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When I was 20, I went to one of my professor's office hours. I felt like I was struggling in the class, struggling to keep up with the readings and participate in discussions, and that was a big chunk of my final grade.
The professor was stunned and said to me...
The professor was stunned and said to me...
"You're one of the most put-together students I've ever had. You don't need to worry."
It was the first time I remember realizing the way I see myself is not at all how other people see me and that my standards for myself are absurdly high.
It was the first time I remember realizing the way I see myself is not at all how other people see me and that my standards for myself are absurdly high.
It was not however the first time I realized that being a high-functioning, over-achieving perfectionist often masks how much my depression and anxiety are grinding me to dust. That if I need help, I have to ask, because even the people I'm closest to won't see it.
Today a coworker messaged me after a meeting to tell me that I'm killing it, that I have my ish together, that he wished all his team leadership ran things so smoothly.
I barely got out of bed this morning. I feel like I'm collapsing under my anxiety.
I barely got out of bed this morning. I feel like I'm collapsing under my anxiety.
I definitely don't feel like I'm good at my job right now, and I kind of wish someone would notice how I'm drowning and would throw me a life preserver.
This is one of several ways I measure how bad my depression and anxiety are: how big is the disconnect between how people perceive me and how I feel about myself? The bigger the gap, usually the worse it is.
It was a red flag that I need to ask for help.
It was a red flag that I need to ask for help.
I also wanted to share with you all: just because someone seems like they've got it all together and appear to be unphased by everything going on right now, check in on them. Especially if they have a history of mental illness.
Looks can be extremely deceiving.
Looks can be extremely deceiving.
