This is what I keep coming back to. (Almost all the Detroit and NYC deaths and hospitalizations among my circle seem to be traceable to social gatherings that first weekend in March.) https://twitter.com/nytopinion/status/1250390406187175937

I first knew something was wrong Leap Weekend when I couldn't get a rideshare or cab to see my friend for anything. Before then, I'd watched Italy, where one of my closest friends has family. Before that, I watched China & Iran, because we have amazing students from both places.

I will never forget February 29 through March 9, 2020 as long as I live. (Empath here.) I knew something was badly wrong that first week of March. I called my first engagement -- "should I be traveling?" They assured me all was well. "Just bring your sanitizer and Lysol."

Airline CEOs met with 45 on the last day of Normal-That-Wasn't-Normal.

Here in Philly, I chaired a dissertation defense, went to my weekly editors' meeting, taught a seminar - watched "Far Beyond the Stars," discussed their unit plans, wrote, dreamed. https://www.businessinsider.com/coronavirus-airline-ceos-trump-meeting-2020-3

Fully expected US air space to shut down. I just knew I wasn't going to take that trip. But the sense was that since the virus had been in Seattle since January, the initial cases in NYC, Boston, and MontCo outside Philly would behave the same way.

All was well, all was well...

I teach this semester MTW. Thursday and Friday were my prep days, but the panic buying had already begun. I went to my favorite local grocery store. Bleach, sanitizer, wipes, were OUT. I was able to grab one bottle of bleach, two cans of Lysol, one can of wipes, and perishables.

There was a sign in the bottled water section, asking people to restrict purchases to four of each kind. The young man restocking helpfully put four gallons into my basket -- silly and wasteful to buy water! But our water's gone out in my neighborhood 3-4 times this AY. So...

Should I buy gas? I remember thinking. Maybe best to have a full tank. If it's like Italy here, maybe I should ride it out with the family in Detroit. But I'm exhausted. Long week, and I was on campus every day... so much to do.

I decided to head to Wawa before my midday flight.

Got up that Saturday, headed to Wawa. Saw that the "All In with Chris Hayes" taping at Henry Ford Museum that me and some of my Detroit friends were going to had cancelled. Called them while on the road. "That's strange, but thanks."

Filled up my car. Bought 2 bags of coffee.

PHL was strange. More than that, EERIE. There was almost no one in the airport midday Saturday before Spring Break week. I have seen more people during off hours in the dead of winter.

And. It was CLEAN. Floors SPARKLING.

This. Is. Philly.

What. The Actual. And Entire. Hell?

The airport was empty, but the plane was full. But weird. Voices low. And...

No one coughed or sneezed.

I wondered if I had stepped into a Langoliers AU. For real.

And then I stepped off that plane, entered DTW...

It was normal.

That shook me most of all. I almost went into full blown panic.

Something's wrong, my brain said. I just came from Philly, and... something's wrong, something's wrong, something's wrong...

I was fully doing all the now-familiar coronavirus protocols. I washed my hands at the first bathroom I got to, twice. I sanitized before and after grabbing luggage. At the rental car place, I scrubbed down everything I could touch on that vehicle.

My family thought I'd lost it.

It was a BEAUTIFUL weekend by Detroit standards for early March. But I was creeped out and paranoid. I told my family that I wasn't going anywhere. Probably shouldn't have come. "I don't know if I have this stuff. I just got off a plane. No one checked me or anyone else."

They thought I was ridiculous. Losing it. But I didn't go hang, visit those I usually see. I watched cases emerge, then multiply slowly, in the city where my first Spring Not-A-Tour visit would be.

I was scared to fly out that Tuesday. But...

Detroit was safe. No cases... then.

I called my sister who lives about an hour from Mom. Asked her to do me a favor, and buy several bottles of hand sanitizer. I'd promised the folks in Philly I'd grab them some.

She laughed her head off. Got 6 bottles at a Family Dollar. Had the manager laughing, too.

That Monday night, I received a call from my contact at the first Not-a-Tour date. Campus was shutting down. I wasn't to fly there after all. I breathed a sigh of relief that I didn't have to go, and wondered if my institution would follow suit.

At least Detroit was safe.

The next morning, I texted with my research partner about what to do. She strongly suggested I decide whether to ride things out in the D or in Philly. And if the answer was Philly, to fly back by Friday morning.

I figured that I needed to be near my doctor. I changed my flight.

That evening, while I was at my other sister's home with Mom and half the grandkids, I watched Governor Whitmer's first press conference. There were cases. Just a few.

The next morning, my institution suspended normal operations. And I was on the phone and online all day...

Thursday, March 12 was the last time I've touched another human. I saw my sisters, and half the niblings. Hugged Mom. I shipped the sanitizer to myself, thinking that I could take it to campus... not thinking, well, it's closed. Went to Target, Walgreen's on the way to DTW...

...which was as normal as it was on March 7. Just another March weekday in a busy, crowded US airport.

I was jittery as hell. I did NOT want to be on another packed flight. Went to Mezza and ordered too much food. Waitress assured me all would be well, and it wasn't 45's fault.

Another packed flight that evening of 3/12. Weirder than the one on March 7 in two ways: 1) A passenger in basic economy got on wearing an N95 mask. 2) In my section, there were several coughing passengers in suits.

The only thing making it bearable was a kind seatmate.

She assured me that it was business as usual at her company. She was scheduled for this trip, and more for the rest of the month. We were the only women in the section, and had a nice conversation.

Normally, I like to read on flights, but my nerves were too bad.

I self-quarantined for 14 days as soon as I got home. Once again, no one checked anything as we got off the plane... not even our temperatures. I was panicky for the first 48 hours, convinced I had it, frightened that I'd exposed my family...

It turned out that I was fine. So are they. We got lucky. Or as they would say, blessed.

Countless thousands are not fine.

Detroit is not fine.

Over the past month, I've thought back to my conversation with that waitress on March 12. That people were going to blame Trump, but it wasn't his fault.

I can't get over the fact that if there had been federal guidance on social distancing, thousands of our dead would be alive.

I keep thinking about the millions of people who like me, chose to travel during the first week of March. Perhaps oblivious. Perhaps wary and talked down, like I was.

But going to and fro, here and there, to the ends of the Earth anyway.

I keep thinking about my choice to hole up at my mother's and my sister's, in guilt, not reassured that I was just Being Ebony & Thinking Too Much.

I keep thinking about my choice not to tell the group who invited me, no, I wouldn't be coming. Only the choice of that university's officials prevented me from rolling the dice on two more flights. Two more turns at the roulette table.

I keep thinking about my choice not to "be out," especially after folks teased me at Christmas about "not lettin nobody know you in town."

I keep thinking about whoever cancelled that MSNBC event, which made me think even before traveling.

I keep thinking of the sick and the dead, who laughed and danced, ate and drank, enjoyed that first spring weekend in March... never knowing that "death was in the pot" (Sunday School long ago)... who are now being blamed en masse for their own deaths.

I keep remembering that was the last weekend before the Michigan primary.

(I keep remembering November 8, 2016, and the choices that millions made.)

I keep thinking that I have to follow in the footsteps of my foremothers, of my people. Because daily, I want to hate. *Daily.*

"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." --MLK.

I want to hate those who allowed this to happen. But hatred and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting your enemies to die.

We must find another way.

But yes, the first 10 days of March are why we are here now. 45 and his enablers are responsible for that.

We don't have to hate them. But we shouldn't let them get away with it, either.