When you grow up in a lot of trauma, you tend to shapeshift a lot. You mostly do it for survival Bc as a child you don’t think to think that others should be healthy. You simply think what do I need to do to make sure the person(s) causing me trauma stops?

So, you put on any personality just to get the outcome you want...peace. If your caretakers are mad all the time, you learn to be quiet. If they want you to be outgoing, you learn to be that. You do whatever you need to do to create that stability.

And If someone doesn’t intervene before adulthood. If someone does not show you that you don’t have to change yourself to have peace, you become an adult who is a people pleaser, codependent, & disconnected from your feelings.

This looks like being unable to articulate your feelings, changing your personality depending on the company, being indecisive, convincing yourself to not believe your feelings, and ultimately making yourself the problem.

I mean think about it....

a baby grows up thinking that they need to do something to get peace. So, they enter every relationship thinking all I need to do is make adjustments & change myself to make relationships work.

For example:

As an adult, have you ever felt wow I am wrong for highlighting an issue? I should’ve just kept quiet and I could still have peace. That’s how you make yourself the problem.

& With the wrong partner, this deeply held belief can be confirmed.

I mean how many times have we broken up with men who told us we were too difficult? Not everything is an issue. I mean should you not be grateful for the bare minimum?!

Then the internalizing begins.

You’ll say to yourself If I would just stay quiet, be more passive, less aggressive, ignore the small things, not be so open, go with the flow then everything would go smoothly.

Instead of thinking wow this is wrong, this is bad behavior, & we are incompatible.

And that’s where healing needs to happen. There has to be a way to own your shit without owning the problem. There has to be way for you to connect with your feelings, let them be heard without judgement or criticism.

Feeling things are off & voicing them is ok. Feeling things are ok. Recognizing the tension in your gut is ok. Saying it aloud is ok. That’s normal. That happens in relationships.

Setting expectations are fair & normal. Expectations for excellence is fair & normal. Expectations for connection, transparency, joy, and communication is fair & normal. These are all ideas that people who desire healthy monogamy want.

So, when dating, going through your career, talking to your family, and developing new friends understand that what you want is a normal expectation. Understand that you aren’t required to shapeshift to get that. Understand that if something is wrong it’s not always you.

Sometimes shit is just wrong & you don’t need to do anything to right it or to get someone to do right by you.