OUR SERVICES ARE FREE OF CHARGE UNTIL GLOBAL NORMALITY RETURN

SERVICES INCLUDE:

• BUDGET BOXTRUCK: TAKES AWAY DRAMA, LEAVES YOU CALMER. SAFELY AND EFFICIENTLY REMOVES ONE (1) ENTIRE PERSON.

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• PREMIER PULPER: WE TURN THAT PERSON INTO COMPOST, AND GIVE YOU NEW LIFE FROM OLD BULLSHIT.

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• DIAMOND INCINERATOR: AFTER A FITTING CREMATION, WE SUPER-COMPRESS THE ENTIRE PERSON'S ASHES INTO A TINY DIAMOND SO THEY'RE FINALLY FUCKING WORTH SOMETHING AND NICE TO HAVE AROUND.

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• LOW-ORBIT SUN-YEET: WANT TO PUT THAT PERSON RIGHT IN THE SUN? OUR SOLAR CRUISE RIG YEETS THEM FROM YOUR LOCAL LAUNCHPAD DIRECTLY INTO THE HEART OF OUR FAVORITE STAR.

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• FAM-A-LAM-A-BIN-VAN: SOMETIMES IT ISN'T ENOUGH TO DISPOSE OF THE WHOLE PERSON. OCCASIONALLY, YOU MAY EVEN NEED TO THROW OUT THEIR WHOLE FAMILY AND/OR FRIENDS. THIS SUPER-SIZED CLAN-VAN HAS GOT YOU COVERED.

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• ENTERPRISE FREIGHTER: EVERY NOW AND AGAIN, THE PROBLEM IS A TOXIC CORPORATE DUMPSTER FIRE. OUR FULLY KITTED OUT DESTROYER-CLASS SUPERTANKER IS ON CALL TO BURN IT ALL TO THE FUCKING GROUND.

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