OUR SERVICES ARE FREE OF CHARGE UNTIL GLOBAL NORMALITY RETURN

SERVICES INCLUDE:

• BUDGET BOXTRUCK: TAKES AWAY DRAMA, LEAVES YOU CALMER. SAFELY AND EFFICIENTLY REMOVES ONE (1) ENTIRE MAN.

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• PREMIER PULPER: WE TURN THAT MAN INTO COMPOST, AND GIVE YOU NEW LIFE FROM OLD BULLSHIT.

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• DIAMOND INCINERATOR: AFTER A FITTING CREMATION, WE SUPER-COMPRESS THE ENTIRE MAN'S ASHES INTO A TINY DIAMOND SO HE'S FINALLY FUCKING WORTH SOMETHING AND A PLEASURE TO HAVE AROUND.

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• LOW-ORBIT SUN-YEET: WANT TO PUT THAT MAN RIGHT IN THE SUN? OUR SOLAR CRUISE RIG YEETS HIM FROM YOUR LOCAL LAUNCHPAD DIRECTLY INTO THE HEART OF OUR FAVORITE STAR.

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• FAM-A-LAM-A-BIN-VAN: SOMETIMES IT ISN'T ENOUGH TO DISPOSE OF THE WHOLE MAN. OCCASIONALLY, YOU MAY EVEN NEED TO THROW OUT HIS WHOLE FAMILY OR ALL HIS FRIENDS. OR BOTH. OUR SUPER-SIZED CLAN-VAN HAS GOT YOU COVERED.

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• ENTERPRISE FREIGHTER: EVERY NOW AND AGAIN, THE PROBLEM IS A TOXIC CORPORATE DUMPSTER FIRE. OUR FULLY KITTED OUT DESTROYER-CLASS SUPERTANKER IS ON CALL TO BURN IT ALL TO THE FUCKING GROUND.

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• SCORCHED EARTH: IN THE EVENT THAT GLOBAL BULLSHIT REACHES APOCALYPTIC LEVELS, THE WHOLE PLANET DISPOSAL MECHANISM WILL BE DEPLOYED AND 2020 WILL BE ENTIRELY CANCELLED

SAFETY SWITCH: ONLY ACTIVATED IF RETWEETED ONE MILLION+ TIMES

(img credit: Dimiter Enev)

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