Okay I have to break this chart down because it’s just too tempting.

HOUSE 1: pretty chill. Lots of books and chess. Paris annoys everyone by tinkering with his car all day. Uhura and Burnham bond over Bashir’s unfortunate pickup attempts.

HOUSE 2: the house of killjoys T’Pol and Saru. Kira threatens to disassemble The Doctor molecule by molecule of he doesn’t stop singing. The Doctor obeys. Yar and Kirk would hook up instantly.

HOUSE 3: Fun as hell. Sisko cooks and has batting practice in the backyard. McCoy produces booze from somewhere and gets Tori hammered. Reed and Stamets do not stop arguing, ever.

HOUSE 4: The House of Best Hugs. Kim and Tilly have a mutual crush but are too shy to act on it until Dax forces the issue. Data and Odo become besties. Janeway is totally used to this nonsense.

HOUSE 5: House of Beefs. Torres and Scotty argue constantly about engineering. Riker bilks Quark out of thousands; Archer makes him give it back. Culber fixes Quark’s arm after Seven broke it.

HOUSE 6: HOUSE OF CHAOS

Everyone is miserable because Garak and Georgiou are playing Spy vs. Spy. O’Brien rejiggers the blender to give endless margaritas and Pulaski parks herself in front of it. Georgiou threatens to cook Neelix for lunch. Spock locks himself in his room.

Anyways. I would absolutely park myself in House 4. Data and Kim would hold recitals! Tilly and I can eat ice cream and discuss anxiety. Chekhov would start distilling vodka and making some of it into hand sanitizer. Jadzia teaches both meditation and Tongo.

Okay, since @AlexandraErin reminded me, here is what the doctors would be doing instead of being in these houses:

McCoy: Stomping his way through red tape until everyone has PPE.
Crusher: creating better respiratory therapies to improve outcomes. (Con’t)

Pulaski: per @AlexandraErin, the expert in containing contagion. She’s flattening the curve
Bashir: successfully researching a cure
The Doctor: never sleeps? Is immune? Front lines, baby.
Phlox: Sends some helpful critters Bashir’s way. Is in the ICU mostly.

Culber: in the ER, or on the phone with patients’ families.