I'm just going to say it: I am really struggling.

And I know I'm not alone, but it sure feels that way. Are you ok? Are you lonely? Be real with me.

These are strange days. Intense dreams. Slippery sleep. Bizarre appetites and hours lost...somewhere...not here.

I cry a lot. That wasn't always true. It is evidence of healing. I held all my tears until it was safe to shed them.

My kids and I talk openly about mental health, because they need to have a context to understand. And they do.
They are empathetic and knowledgeable. Which makes me so proud.

All I ever wanted was to break the cycles. To not carry that unwieldy torch forward.

I feel like getting us through emotionally is my main job. And typically, this is my strength.

I cannot remain adrift because people I love need things.

Just venting because this is really hard. I can't go into it, but JESUS CHRIST this is hard.

And losing John Prine has about killed me.

I want to be one of the ones who "gets through" this. Not all of us will. And none of us will be the same on the other side of it.

I just need to be real about how scary it all is. How taxing. No matter what your part in the play--you are still in the cast.

I will need your voices to get through. Many of you have been #onhere with me for a decade! Let me hear you. Tell me you how you are coping well. Coping badly too!

If you get too lost in the dark, please reach out.

You matter. You matter to me. And I matter to myself.

People need each other and that is no weakness.

It isn't weak to need.

I ask myself a lot, "what do you need?" It is my weapon against dissociation.

Today, I needed to say how broken I feel, how ill-equipped and useless.
I needed to know this is bigger than me, that all of us are coping well and badly.

I need to see your soft underbelly and show you mine. I need to refuse varnish, to know you are real, somewhere else, speaking from your heart.

Ok. This helped. https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/04/13/magazine/jack-kornfield-mindfulness.html?smid=fb-share

"It’s time to make a vow, to sit quietly, rest your heart and ask, 'What is my best intention, my most noble aspiration in this difficult time?' If you quiet yourself, your heart will answer. The answer could be simple: 'I vow to be kind no matter what.'

And when you find the answer in yourself, write it down and place it somewhere you’ll remember. Then when you feel lost or confused, take a breath and remember that vow. Because it’s time to become the lamp in the darkness, David.

Where others hoard, you help. Where others deceive, you stand up for truth. Where others are uncaring, you become kind and respectful. This is what’s possible for us as human beings in this moment."