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Last night, or rather a while ago at 3am today, I had a conversation with myself. I asked, are you ok?
Are you depressed?
No. I thought, I& #39;m not depressed, or maybe I am. But I refuse to accept it. I& #39;ve been in a society where having "depression" or claiming (1/n)
Last night, or rather a while ago at 3am today, I had a conversation with myself. I asked, are you ok?
Are you depressed?
No. I thought, I& #39;m not depressed, or maybe I am. But I refuse to accept it. I& #39;ve been in a society where having "depression" or claiming (1/n)
That you do, means you& #39;re weak, attention-seeking and are only doing it for the "aesthetic". So no, unless I& #39;m diagnosed or at least have talked about it to someone with credibility, I will not claim that I have depression and/or any other mental disorder. I am stronger. (2/n)
So then I asked myself, how do you feel? It took me a few minutes to formulate the words. I had to scramble for the the thought lurking within. I& #39;m not good with writing emotion. I& #39;m not good with writing at all. So... I said, what do you think is this condition? (3/n)
This thing I feel or rather hear, is a background noise. A static. Like when you set the radio in between stations. You fight it first, you scream but no one hears. You shout but no one listens. Well, that& #39;s because you never really used your voice. (4/n)
I often imagined what a therapist would say to me. Kinda like describing to my own self how I feel. Maybe for other people depression is linked to their emotions, but to me it is not. It& #39;s just a static in the back of my head. And like all background noise, I somehow (5/n)
Found a stupid way to battle it. That is to shift my focus. The conversation in my head was like someone was telling me how my coping mechanism works. Deejay, Let& #39;s assume you are diagnosed and given prescriptions and medications. What do you think are their purpose? (6/n)
They are there to keep your focus away from the noise. To trick your brain to not listen to the static. It& #39;s there. It won& #39;t go away, but the more you listen to it the more annoying it will become so no, don& #39;t listen. That& #39;s the trick. Like all noise, if you focus into - (7/n)
*on something else. It will fade away. 3 years. I don& #39;t know. Maybe 4. I always thought I& #39;ll get use to it, and I have, when the noise is least loud (faintest?). But there will be occasions when the noise becomes too much. That, I can& #39;t handle.
I lost my train of thought x (8/n)
I lost my train of thought x (8/n)
Maybe this is the reason I don& #39;t open up myself to a relationship. I& #39;m 19 so no rush. Relationships are gross (blauurgh) but I always thought, no one deserves this burden. I can& #39;t be with someone knowing I& #39;m not the best version of myself. The noise is a parasite and unless (9/n)
I get rid of it there& #39;s no way I& #39;ll be smoochy-feely with someone. I& #39;m selfish. It& #39;s my defense mechanism, I don& #39;t do this bec I care about people no, it& #39;s bec I& #39;m afraid that if I open up, I& #39;d get hurt, and that will fuel the static. Like a remote that only inc the volume. 10/n
I asked myself again, are you depressed? I countered, is this depression? Is this what that is? Well that& #39;s for sure, disappointing. Depression just makes me lazy, but also productive. It helps me focus on smaller things because the noise doesn& #39;t reach them. Just walk. Eat. 11/n
Don& #39;t think too much or you& #39;ll fuel it. Go to school and focus on your lessons. Lately it gets harder. Even b4 all these shitshow with the pandemic, I& #39;ll have bursts of energy and then be lazy af the next day. The people who knows me may have noticed this, esp in uni. (12/n)
Don& #39;t you think it& #39;s just the isolation? The quarantine? Maybe, probably not. If anything, the quarantine only gave me the chance to focus on it. I& #39;ve relied way too much on avoidance and it& #39;s not working. Maybe when things get back to normal the og plan will work again. (13/n)
The isolation gave me the chance to channel my thoughts, to listen to the background static with a different perspective, an introspection sort of. it& #39;s the only way I can cope with the increasing volume. It& #39;s riddled my feelings and I hate that. I& #39;m becoming unstable (14/n)
And if I can& #39;t tone it down, things might worsen permanently. I don& #39;t like that. I forgot to mention. Whenever I have conversations in my head, I love to set a setting. I& #39;m a graphic person. This one happened in a church. Funny coz I& #39;m not religious at all. (15/n)
Growing up, I& #39;ve always loved how churches are so serene and peaceful. They give you the chance to meditate. Not pray to a god, no, just collect your own thoughts. So there& #39;s that. This thread is too long, and I& #39;m far from done. In fact, I don& #39;t think I& #39;ll ever be done. (16/n)
