Thread.

Last night, or rather a while ago at 3am today, I had a conversation with myself. I asked, are you ok?
Are you depressed?
No. I thought, I'm not depressed, or maybe I am. But I refuse to accept it. I've been in a society where having "depression" or claiming (1/n)

That you do, means you're weak, attention-seeking and are only doing it for the "aesthetic". So no, unless I'm diagnosed or at least have talked about it to someone with credibility, I will not claim that I have depression and/or any other mental disorder. I am stronger. (2/n)

So then I asked myself, how do you feel? It took me a few minutes to formulate the words. I had to scramble for the the thought lurking within. I'm not good with writing emotion. I'm not good with writing at all. So... I said, what do you think is this condition? (3/n)

This thing I feel or rather hear, is a background noise. A static. Like when you set the radio in between stations. You fight it first, you scream but no one hears. You shout but no one listens. Well, that's because you never really used your voice. (4/n)

I often imagined what a therapist would say to me. Kinda like describing to my own self how I feel. Maybe for other people depression is linked to their emotions, but to me it is not. It's just a static in the back of my head. And like all background noise, I somehow (5/n)

Found a stupid way to battle it. That is to shift my focus. The conversation in my head was like someone was telling me how my coping mechanism works. Deejay, Let's assume you are diagnosed and given prescriptions and medications. What do you think are their purpose? (6/n)

They are there to keep your focus away from the noise. To trick your brain to not listen to the static. It's there. It won't go away, but the more you listen to it the more annoying it will become so no, don't listen. That's the trick. Like all noise, if you focus into - (7/n)

*on something else. It will fade away. 3 years. I don't know. Maybe 4. I always thought I'll get use to it, and I have, when the noise is least loud (faintest?). But there will be occasions when the noise becomes too much. That, I can't handle.
I lost my train of thought x (8/n)

Maybe this is the reason I don't open up myself to a relationship. I'm 19 so no rush. Relationships are gross (blauurgh) but I always thought, no one deserves this burden. I can't be with someone knowing I'm not the best version of myself. The noise is a parasite and unless (9/n)

I get rid of it there's no way I'll be smoochy-feely with someone. I'm selfish. It's my defense mechanism, I don't do this bec I care about people no, it's bec I'm afraid that if I open up, I'd get hurt, and that will fuel the static. Like a remote that only inc the volume. 10/n

I asked myself again, are you depressed? I countered, is this depression? Is this what that is? Well that's for sure, disappointing. Depression just makes me lazy, but also productive. It helps me focus on smaller things because the noise doesn't reach them. Just walk. Eat. 11/n

Don't think too much or you'll fuel it. Go to school and focus on your lessons. Lately it gets harder. Even b4 all these shitshow with the pandemic, I'll have bursts of energy and then be lazy af the next day. The people who knows me may have noticed this, esp in uni. (12/n)

Don't you think it's just the isolation? The quarantine? Maybe, probably not. If anything, the quarantine only gave me the chance to focus on it. I've relied way too much on avoidance and it's not working. Maybe when things get back to normal the og plan will work again. (13/n)

The isolation gave me the chance to channel my thoughts, to listen to the background static with a different perspective, an introspection sort of. it's the only way I can cope with the increasing volume. It's riddled my feelings and I hate that. I'm becoming unstable (14/n)

And if I can't tone it down, things might worsen permanently. I don't like that. I forgot to mention. Whenever I have conversations in my head, I love to set a setting. I'm a graphic person. This one happened in a church. Funny coz I'm not religious at all. (15/n)

Growing up, I've always loved how churches are so serene and peaceful. They give you the chance to meditate. Not pray to a god, no, just collect your own thoughts. So there's that. This thread is too long, and I'm far from done. In fact, I don't think I'll ever be done. (16/n)