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A careful study on who is actually the scariest mofo in Hypmic ft. Ramuda's hidden thigh muscles, Jakurai's secret status as a wimp, and more - an essay in ? parts
(Warning: Discussions of BMI will follow)
(Warning: Discussions of BMI will follow)
Abstract: Today I conducted a serious scientific study into the body types of the Hypmic main characters by calculating their BMIs.
Disclaimer: BMI is not by any means the end-all, be-all in determining body shape, but higher BMIs generally indicate higher amounts of fat or-
Disclaimer: BMI is not by any means the end-all, be-all in determining body shape, but higher BMIs generally indicate higher amounts of fat or-
-muscle. It’s not a very helpful tool, but it can be funny if we ignore common sense.
From the collected data (see Appendix A), I’ve placed each character into one of three categories.
1.Fucking Wimps (FWs)
2.Average Joes (AJs)
3.Big Boys (WWE Wrestlers)
From the collected data (see Appendix A), I’ve placed each character into one of three categories.
1.Fucking Wimps (FWs)
2.Average Joes (AJs)
3.Big Boys (WWE Wrestlers)
King of the FWs is Saburou with a BMI of 17.7, which means he’s one of those teenage boys who consumes as much food per day as the typical baby elephant and yet never gains a gram. I shudder to think of Ichirou’s grocery bill.
Interestingly, Jakurai also falls into the FWs with
Interestingly, Jakurai also falls into the FWs with
a BMI of 18.1, suggesting he was probably a lean bastard to begin with and has since fallen off the workout routine after giving up the hitman job.
The AJs comprise 50% of the characters and all fall in the range of 19.0 – 20.0, so it’s safe to assume this is the average build-
The AJs comprise 50% of the characters and all fall in the range of 19.0 – 20.0, so it’s safe to assume this is the average build-
-for Japanese men in the Hypmic universe. In order from least to greatest, they are Juushi, Sasara, Doppo, Samatoki, Gentarou, Jirou and Juuto (tied), Ichirou, and Hifumi.
Please pay careful attention to Gentarou, of all people, being beefier than Samatoki, of all people.
Please pay careful attention to Gentarou, of all people, being beefier than Samatoki, of all people.
From here on out we are in the Big Boys, the kind you wouldn't want to accidentally piss off.
“It can’t be that bad,” you say.
Well, bringing up the rear on this list is Riou at 20.3, who looks like this in canon, so I’m afraid it is that bad.
“It can’t be that bad,” you say.
Well, bringing up the rear on this list is Riou at 20.3, who looks like this in canon, so I’m afraid it is that bad.
Up next is Ramuda at 20.4. After cosplaying as him a few times, I’m fairly certain you can hide anything under those clothes, so it’s quite possible Ramuda’s sporting a lil’ tum-tum.
However, after speaking with Dr. Mango Sketch (PHD in Ass Physics) who said, and I quote,
However, after speaking with Dr. Mango Sketch (PHD in Ass Physics) who said, and I quote,
“[Ramuda has a]n ass so fat Nicki Minaj is envious of its mass”, I’d like to submit to the scientific community that Mr. Amemura has junk in the trunk and that junk is pure muscle.
Ramuda is nothing but glutes and thighs. This man is a walking leg day with calves so sharp you-
Ramuda is nothing but glutes and thighs. This man is a walking leg day with calves so sharp you-
-cut diamonds on them.
Next up on the list is Kuukou at 20.5, and I’m not really surprised, since once again, his clothing is loose enough to fit a small calvary unit in.
Hypmic’s next biggest threat is Roshou at 20.8, which should come as no surprise either.
Next up on the list is Kuukou at 20.5, and I’m not really surprised, since once again, his clothing is loose enough to fit a small calvary unit in.
Hypmic’s next biggest threat is Roshou at 20.8, which should come as no surprise either.
What is shocking is the jump from here to Hitoya at 21.5. Imagine being in court and the defense attorney strips off his jacket and leaps the table to beat the shit out of you for perjury. This is some Ace Attorney level shit.
Moral of the story is that Jakurai needs to stop-
Moral of the story is that Jakurai needs to stop-
-pissing off people in the Big Boys category if he wants to live to see 40.
Second to last is Rei at 21.9, which I’m prepared to accept. His pectoral muscles suggest he can unscrew a head from a neck with little trouble. This is an omen for post-pubescent Saburou.
Second to last is Rei at 21.9, which I’m prepared to accept. His pectoral muscles suggest he can unscrew a head from a neck with little trouble. This is an omen for post-pubescent Saburou.
The largest jump in BMI so far has been 0.9 (from Jakurai to Juushi), so the jump from Rei “Tits as big as Ichijiku’s” Amayado to, of all people, Dice Arisugawa being THREE TIMES THAT is horrifying.
Dice measures in at 177 cm and 77 kg for a BMI of 24.6, which means he’s got-
Dice measures in at 177 cm and 77 kg for a BMI of 24.6, which means he’s got-
-to be packing it away somewhere. He could be hiding a little chub under that shirt, right? Wrong. We’ve seen him almost naked, and that dude is lean as FUCK. (He also looks to be lacking nipples, but that’s another issue.)
Dice is worth 1.4 Saburous. This is 77 kg of pure muscle. He could lift Ramuda and fling him into the sun. He is a bull, a wall, an unstoppable force and an unmoving object at the same time. The only thing preventing him from reaching through the screen and destroying us all is-
-his infinite mercy.
Why is he so much more ripped than the rest of the cast? How is this poor young man with a gambling addiction beefier than the elite solider?
I wish I had answers.
Why is he so much more ripped than the rest of the cast? How is this poor young man with a gambling addiction beefier than the elite solider?
I wish I had answers.
Conclusion: Things would have ended much differently if BATTLE BATTLE BATTLE was a fist fight.
Appendix A is attached below.
(and thank you, @Mangosketch for being the Ramuda ass expert)
Appendix A is attached below.
(and thank you, @Mangosketch for being the Ramuda ass expert)
