I have friends who pour so much into me. But I’m realizing that I focus on the ones who are hot and cold or halfway out the door, because I have a natural tendency to focus on what I lack and to try to recover/gain what I lack.

So that causes me to feel a closer attachment to people who aren’t being open or engaging or showing they respect and value me. But it’s not real. The attachment I’m feeling is the drive to make up the space between where our relationship is and where I want it to be.

I’m addicted to the deficiency of some relationships, because where there is deficiency, I see potential. When the relationship isn’t at its peak, I take (too much) comfort in idealizing what it could be. Fantasies are always better than reality.

Meanwhile, my fully formed, healthy relationships look dull and unchallenging to me, causing me to drift away or not focus on them. Or (and this is awful) I think those relationships just must not be as special, because they’re too easy (which is of course not true).

This mindset pulls me toward people who don’t value me all that much. Then there’s inevitable rejection or small pockets of implicit rejection. And that fuels my preexisting sense of inferiority and defectiveness.

Which then causes me to seek more approval and closeness from people who half-value me, because when I can pull it off, it makes me feel more worthy. And it’s a never ending cycle.