anyways, if i am to speak about deactivation, i want to be very honest with you. it wasn't very long and honestly i was hoping to push it for a little bit longer, but i noticed that i still required some items that were left on this account. there were and are still many things +

driving me to want to deactivate/take a break for a little bit. my mental health has never been good and this quarantine has really increased the stress and tension in my life. february of this year was one of the most difficult months for me and i truly never recovered from it.

i still am very much in love with writing but i feel physically exhausted from it. stressed out about it. i make new prompts for fun, i'll write a little bit of them, then move onto the next one. i still like my au (to an extent) but i've found issues with it that i cannot ignore

so i've been privately editing/remaking it on my own time and worked for about six to eight hours straight on a lot of things. i've been preparing updates and i've been writing fics in hope of bringing new material to you guys. i find it kind of funny, though, whenever people

classify me as a "writer". i dunno, i don't publish works because i like the confidence/motivation to do so, and i only have one active au that i update once every couple of months. i feel so terrible about it, but it makes me wonder when my twitter turned from being a fan acc +

into being like a designated position. like, i'm now a "writing" account in some way and i feel guilty when i spam tweet about events instead of publishing updates or dropping new prompts and fics. it's not anyone's fault but mine and my own insecurities, which i have a lot of.

i want to bring content to people, i want to share my stories and works but i feel like i don't have a lot of stuff figured out mentally. being home a lot has really taken a toll on me, and there's a lot of shit that goes on behind closed doors that isn't so fun.

i feel like i apologize to you guys often and a lot of you sometimes tell me that i have nothing to apologize for, but to me, when i feel bad i want to apologize. i got really fed up with myself so i decided to deactivate thinking it would solve my problems, but it didn't.

i am working on updates rn and trying to work on the 700+ parts that i have to remake. I've remade about 300, so i'm slowly working my way to where i need to be. writing my yoonkook fic has been fun and i've been trying to take more medicine to help with my month long sickness.

i know it didn't bug literally anyone whatsoever and this thread is really long and pointless, but i wanted to just share how i'm feeling. i just feel really... distanced from myself. i feel like a fraud a lot of times. i just wish i didn't feel so incomplete all the time.