This Really Happened Last Night - A Play in Four Acts

Act 1: My 8-year old daughter comes in my bedroom at 3:00 AM and starts wailing because she has a terrible headache.

I try to calm her down. I offer medicine, and she of course asks, “what flavor?” Thankfully she offered to try the cherry, but said no way on the grape. (She ended up not trying the cherry).

Just as I have her calmed down and no longer screaming my six-year old comes in the bedroom.
“Daddy, Baxter took a dump in our room (I don’t know where she learned that expression).

Act 2: I lie in bed trying to decide if I can wait until morning to clean up the dog poop ...

... I’m genuinely torn, but then the six-year old says “I don’t want to sleep in a room with dog poop.” She makes a good point.

I get up. I clean up the poop. The six-year old gets back into bed. I return to the sick 8-year old

Act Three: After about 15 minutes I’ve finally calmed down the 8-year old.

I begin to doze off when she starts screaming “oh no, oh no.”

I ask “what’s the matter?” Do you have to poop? Do you have to pee? I don’t consider option 3.

Act 4: She vomits all over my bed.

And on the floor.

I yell “go in the bathroom”

Of course I mean vomit in the toilet.

She vomits in the sink.

The clean-up begins. There is vomit ... everywhere. I bag everything up. Spray half the bottle of Nature’s Miracle, change the blanket and sheets. I catch the dog sniffing at the vomit, preparing to eat it. The 8-year old by the way feels much better - a true boot & rally moment

But here’s the best part. Just now as I’m typing this up the 6-year old comes out of her bedroom. She asks “what are you doing!”

I say I’m typing up the story of what happened last night. And she says “I feel really bad for you”

And scene!