I've got something very different from my usual stuff coming up, no smut and only a heavy & sad topic, so pls beware, read the warnings and stay safe

Sope one-shot, hurt/no comfort

rape/non-con (not graphic) aftermath, ptsd, depression and hinted suicidal tendencies, slightly gory imagery

This is basically just a feelings dump and probably just makes u feel sad :(

Thanks to @mintymochiii for the prompt

Hoseok can feel that this is tearing them apart.
And he knows Yoongi can also feel it, which only makes him break even more, as he's unable to stop it or to change the situation.
Because how do you change the fact your loved one had been sexually assaulted by his psychopathic

ex-boyfriend in an attempt for jealous revenge? 

Hoseok would've appreciated their happier times before that more, if only he could turn back time and live through everything again. If only.
He would've never guessed this one night back then would end as fatal as that, would

change both their lives forever. That he'd have to come to Yoongi's apartment to find him passed out and bleeding and mentally broken forever, after his ex forced his way inside the flat and then forced himself into him.
Thinking back to that night is almost surreal. Trying to

wake him up, trying to comprehend what happened, trying to get him to go to a hospital.
Hoseok tries to avoid remembering it. 

Yoongi thinks it feels like someone tore his skin apart, cracked his ribcage open and clawed everything that was inside out, left him laying on the

ground as hollowed out corpse, bleeding out entirely.

This emptiness, it creeps up on you and it lays over you like a blanket, only that this blanket feels like a big, heavy, choking mass that'll wear you down, dripping with black ink, eating away all your energy, passion,

happiness. It's like a huge monster with tentacles, wrapping themselves around you like dozens and dozens of snakes to squeeze you until there's nothing of yourself left anymore and you're just this empty shell, like an emptied carton of juice when it gets tossed into

the trash. 

There's nothing of the person he once was anymore, they're now only like some far away caricature of him, like out of some story of an event he wasn't at that someone tells him. He doesn't recognize himself as that person, but neither as the thing that stares back at

him in the mirror, this pitiful figure with its eyebags for days and ashy skin; skin that's been defiled and dirtied. 

The cold numbness is the worst. 
Colours turn into fading gradients turn into monochromes. 

One day he realises that it has not only taken his happiness, but

also any grasp of normality in your life. Because he's never gonna move on properly, his old life is now something he'll never be able to get back. 
It makes him sick so much that he thinks he'll vomit, but he never gets the satisfaction to do that; he keeps living with that

feeling of sickness inside him, with wishing to just throw up until his insides come out as well so he's finally as empty as he fucking feels. 

Everything's not just as simple as those cliché moments in movies and books, where the character wakes up in a cold sweat after a too

vivid dream or startling after getting touched suddenly. 
It's much more subtle. 
It creeps up on you at the most random times, gut-wrenching memories suddenly come flooding back when you least expect it. 
Having to move out of his apartment because Yoongi couldn't even

bear being inside those walls anymore.
Making him stop cutting up the veggies for dinner to instead stare into nothingness mid-move, head filling with a sentence 𝘩𝘦 had spit at him that night, nothing but "𝘎𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘢 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘰𝘯, 𝘺𝘰𝘶

𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘪𝘵𝘤𝘩. 𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘤𝘳𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘪𝘮, 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵." repeating over and over in Yoongi's head until he's throwing up the last meal he had eaten.
Making him stop texting Hobi back all of a

sudden because he remembered one specific detail completely out of the blue 
- maybe the way 𝘩𝘦 had pressed his head down painfully hard, pinning him to the place effectively - 
and wondering why his brain is so randomly torturing him to remind him about this, until an hour has

passed and suddenly the phone in his hand vibrates with a call from Hoseok because he hadn't finished texting back nor seen the other 23 messages asking if he's okay.
Sometimes he wishes he could just make that voice in his head finally shut up. 

Social situations often used to

overwhelm Yoongi before that already, especially in crowded places, but by now it has become an almost unbearable task to even go grocery shopping with Hoseok. Even if he's very much aware it's stupid, he still feels like all their eyes are on him, judging.
Yes it's ridiculous,

he doesn't have 'rape victim' written on his forehead.
But it doesn't change that every laughter nearby makes him flinch, grab Hoseok's hand tighter; every person coming closer to him in the train makes him quickly hide his face in the crook of Hoseok's neck.
It feels like

they're all gonna mock him, call him ugly names, call him weak and pathetic and delusional and disgusting. 
He hates feeling this exposed and vulnerable and helpless.

Turns out talking about it didn't help Yoongi at all. The first attempt of going to a therapist went horribly

wrong and resulted in him not going anymore at all, shutting himself off entirely about the topic. Hoseok avoids saying anything that remotely could have anything to do with it, but it only feels like walking on eggshells. Like every word he says could possibly send Yoongi into

another panic attack or crying fit. 
It's exhausting, to always be so alert, to always watch your own words that much.
But it's also horrible because he 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘴 to say something, to comfort him, make it any better in whatever way, but he's completely clueless how to. 
It's

obvious that Yoongi doesn't want his pity either, often pushes him away to flee into the bathroom where he locks himself in, where Hoseok knows he'll cry until he falls asleep alone on the floor. 

The worst nights though, Hoseok thinks, aren't even those where Yoongi's repulsed

every touch and pushing him away even more than usual. No, it's those nights where Yoongi's hypersexual and forces himself on him, begging him to "𝘍𝘶𝘤𝘬 𝘮𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘚𝘦𝘰𝘬-𝘢𝘩, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳, 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵 𝘮𝘦-", doing every filthy thing and then some more, "𝘈𝘮

𝘐 𝘢 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘴𝘭𝘶𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘚𝘦𝘰𝘬? 𝘈𝘩, 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳, 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦!"
Because Hoseok knows he's only doing that to hurt himself, it's his form of self-harm.
(And he never knew orgasms could feel this guilt-inducing and terrible afterwards.) 
But he also

can't bring himself to deny Yoongi this. Last time it had ended with him breaking down with a panic attack, thinking Hoseok didn't want him anymore- that he's too filthy, too ruined to be desirable anymore, that he's been soiled, broken, tainted, crippled.
That night had been

especially hard for Hoseok to get him to calm down enough to stop hyperventilating before he'd fall unconscious. To at least drink some water after all the crying and wailing. 

Some days it's almost normal. Some days it almost feels like the old them, carefree and happy. Some

days both Yoongi and Hoseok can almost forget about the terrible nightmares and the fights and the anxiety attacks. 
Hoseok feels guilty. He doesn't know how to stop them from drifting apart, and he's getting tired. Physical, mentally. Emotionally. 

And worst of all, despite

everything, Hoseok's still endlessly in love with Yoongi. Which is why it hurts so much to watch him like this, unable to do something. He'd still do anything for him, anything to get their old lives back. To get his old Yoongi back.
He'd honestly take a bullet for him, and if he

could somehow turn back time and alter something - Hoseok sometimes wishes it would've been himself instead of Yoongi. Because he just didn't deserve that happening to him. It's not fair. 
But Hoseok is also tired of wishing for things and regretting things and hoping for things

and he's just generally tired of a lot of things.
It's hard to be there for him when he doesn't even know how to cope himself. Because the truth is, he doesn't know what it's like, can't even imagine what Yoongi is going through internally. 

And Yoongi? He's

tired of Hoseok's pity, of this stupid sad look he always has whenever he thinks Yoongi won't see. Sometimes, he hates him for it. Sometimes he screams that at him only to break into tears from guilt a moment later and lock himself away before Hoseok can even try to console him.

He knows it's only tearing them apart more with how he acts, with being this moody, unpredictable, hard to deal with. 
He tries his best to swallow everything down and not show Hoseok too much, but by now the bottle is full and it's already bursting all the time and no matter how

much he still tries to squeeze more into it or the longer he puts it where no one can see it, the more explosive the content just gets. 

His self-destructive tendencies are getting stronger, and even if Yoongi doesn't have the strength anymore to actually make an effort, some

situations do seem tempting. 
Although drowning yourself in the bathtub isn't as easy as it sounds, and unfortunately the pills only made him throw up. (The dosage wasn't lethal anyway.) And Hoseok always keeps a too tight grip on his hand when they wait for the train.

He doesn't know if he's actually able to do it. If he can leave Hoseok behind like that. He knows how much it would break Hoseok's heart, and honestly, Yoongi doesn't know if he could forgive himself for that, if he could rest in peace knowing that.

He's already ruining his own and Hoseok's life enough.

I'm actually kind of nervous to share this
I know it's very different from my usual stuff, I hope you don't mind me dumping this stuff here

Pls tell me what u think of the darkfic, or if you have other prompts
https://curiouscat.me/kittyyoongi