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alright, i& #39;m gonna try this. i& #39;ll start with writing about my relationship to "selfishness" and we& #39;ll see where it goes from there https://twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/status/1249936654682316801">https://twitter.com/QiaochuYu...
the first thing that comes up is a memory of an argument i had with my senior-year-of-college gf where she called me selfish, and it somehow lodged in me very deeply. i flashed through memories of interactions we& #39;d had where i did something that could be called selfish
the worst was a conversation where she wanted to open up to me about something but asked me to keep it a secret and i said i refused to do that. i was and am pretty sure it was about sexual assault and i had some kind of ridiculous idea that i might need to, like...
...tell mental health services or something about it if necessary, in order to "rescue" her. i don& #39;t really understand why this felt like the right call at the time and it& #39;s completely the opposite of what i& #39;d do now. agh. fuck. i hate remembering that i used to be such an IDIOT
it hurts a surprising amount in my chest to remember this. that argument broke my ability to believe i was a good person and i& #39;m not sure i& #39;ve ever gotten it back really. i spent years afterwards being really fucked up about that breakup and that one argument was a big reason
i remember there were times the rest of that year where i tried to train myself to be less selfish. i would go on the subway and look at the people around me and sort of try to force myself to care about them. in retrospect i was trying to do metta without having heard of it
