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Ok. Tried to make this thread yesterday, but I was so upset, I deleted it. I feel better today so let& #39;s try again. This is a reaction to the extremely disturbing & upsetting reddit post that has been going around in the Muslim community.
TW // emotional abuse, manipulation
TW // emotional abuse, manipulation
I never understood why the women around me in high school & college would throw away almost everything for a mediocre man. I& #39;ve always had a strong sense of self, and always prioritized education and friendships and family, so I was never interested in romantic relationships.
Marriage is not a priority for me, at least at this moment in time. But I understand that we live in a society and culture that makes it seem like you need to have a romantic relationship to feel fulfilled in life (which is not true, but whatever).
I also understand that it is easy to fall for manipulation and abusive tactics when your self-esteem and sense of self is not the greatest. Even though I struggle with severe insecurity issues, I do not trust easily, and that -- in this case -- is a strength.
But I digress. My point is that we need to lift the women in our communities up. Stop telling them marriage is something on a check-list that we have to get over with. No. You deserve so much better. You deserve a best friend, a companion who complements you (not completes you).
We need to encourage the women in our communities to become financially & emotionally independent before they start thinking about getting married. We need to tell them that they need to become more secure versions of themselves before they enter a romantic relationship.
Fortunately, I have never been put in the positions that these women have experienced. So it is easy for me to sit here and say that they shouldn& #39;t trust men so easily. I know manipulation & emotional abuse work in discreet & toxic ways, convincing women that they are "in love."
But at the end of the day, telling women to be careful is normalizing the abusive and manipulative nature of these horrible men. It should not be normalized. It should never be normalized. These men are not acting like humans. They are monsters.
We need to assure women that they do not have high standards. It is not a high standard to want a respectful partner, one who is compassionate and emotionally competent/intelligent. It is not a high standard to want to have a spouse who is like your best friend.
Because a man will not "save you." That process starts with yourself.
Anyway. I don& #39;t know what else to say because I don& #39;t even want to touch upon the behavior of the man in the reddit post. I& #39;m glad he feels guilty, but that& #39;s it. Don& #39;t know if he& #39;s sincere.
Anyway. I don& #39;t know what else to say because I don& #39;t even want to touch upon the behavior of the man in the reddit post. I& #39;m glad he feels guilty, but that& #39;s it. Don& #39;t know if he& #39;s sincere.
There are a lot of problems, however, that I feel like I need to address when it comes to monstrous behavior from male abusers.
1. The man was /obsessed/ with getting married. He desperately wanted a relationship and felt emasculated when women did not want to marry him.
1. The man was /obsessed/ with getting married. He desperately wanted a relationship and felt emasculated when women did not want to marry him.
2. He didn& #39;t see marriage as a life-long commitment, as a responsibility, as the serious and emotional endeavor that it is. He just wanted to snag a girl and immediately get married.
3. "I was no longer the dude without a girl." It was all about "image" for him, like a game.
3. "I was no longer the dude without a girl." It was all about "image" for him, like a game.
4. Another man& #39;s toxic behavior paired with a rejection from a woman made this man a misogynist. He started hating all women because of this one experience, never mind that man who was a part of it. And he found the support system of incels to "help" him through this time.
5. He hadn& #39;t graduated from college, didn& #39;t have a stable life situation (career, self-esteem, etc.) and yet he wanted marriage ASAP. It& #39;s like he was playing a game of Sims. Of course his proposals were going to get rejected! But, nonetheless, he grew more toxic.
6. He completely turned into a full-time abuser. He hated women and used them. He engaged in some of the worst behavior I have seen and I don& #39;t want to write it out. And through it all, he saw himself as a victim of his circumstances.
7. He then met a religious girl and he wanted to marry her. I find the double standards here amazing. Of course HE has standards. Her parents do not approve of the interracial marriage proposal, so he decided to get revenge on the family by "ruining" her.
Now, I have to elaborate on point 7. Sex before marriage is a sin. But of course society is more lenient on a man instead of a woman, even though the "value" of the sin is the same, no matter who does it.
Of course the woman is "ruined" for the rest of her life, but the man walks way scot-free. And of course the reputation of the family is ruined because their daughter has been "ruined."
There are so many issues that I have highlighted above, and each could deserve a thread of its own. I just want to highlight here that we need to change our understanding of marriage as a society/community.
It is okay to be married later on in life (especially if you take your time and are more sure of yourself). Stop being so obsessed with marriage. Stop using marriage as a means to get laid. Marriage is a contract, a life-long commitment (if successful).
Marriage requires not just love or attraction, but also trust, understanding, support, emotional intelligence, maturity, & RESPECT. It is not something that "has to be done right away." It will not save you. It will amplify your problems. It is a promise that you keep every day.
Lift each other up, esp women. Teach the men around you that they have to pull their weight. It should be expected from every person that they should be respectful, kind, & responsible. These are not gendered concepts. And stop shaming women for trusting these manipulative men.
