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You know, I'm delighted at the play which that screencapped "ask culture" / "guess culture" Tumblr post has been getting.
(Although I can't stand sharing screencaps on principle. Link your sources, people! Credit your creators! But that's another rant.)
(Although I can't stand sharing screencaps on principle. Link your sources, people! Credit your creators! But that's another rant.)
But what won't stop nagging at me is the way this construction can obscure power differentials.
Y'see, when two people are genuinely peers, lots of conversational gambits are available which just don't exist under a power relationship.
Your close friends … I'm assuming a healthy dynamic here, and recognize that's a itself a privilege & a luxury … can tease you mercilessly, and you can tease them back, and at the end of the day you're all laughing hilariously.
But most people can't tease their boss the same way. The risk of consequences is too great.
And for a manager to tease their employees the way they'd tease their friends? That's a first-class shortcut to being a Very Bad Boss.
And for a manager to tease their employees the way they'd tease their friends? That's a first-class shortcut to being a Very Bad Boss.
So how does this map back onto Ask Culture vs. Guess Culture? Well, fairly obviously, I hope.
The act of asking expresses power, in the form of imaging another way the world could be. The act of saying no also expresses power, in the form of asserting one's own boundaries.
The act of asking expresses power, in the form of imaging another way the world could be. The act of saying no also expresses power, in the form of asserting one's own boundaries.
If both people are genuinely peers AND share the same cultural expectations around asking & guessing, then there was never an issue in the first place. The communication is understood as it was intended.
If both people are peers, but the speaker comes from Ask Culture and the hearer comes from Guess, then we're squarely in the milieu of that Tumblr post. The Guesser is likely to perceive the question as an expression of power.
Similarly, if both people are peers, and the speaker comes from Guess Culture while the hearer comes from Ask, then both people will perceive the other making a power move.
"Why are you trying to manipulate me into offering?" vs. "Why are you forcing me to ask?"
"Why are you trying to manipulate me into offering?" vs. "Why are you forcing me to ask?"
I'm really glad the Tumblr screencap exists (though I do wish it were a link instead, credit your sources, cf. above, etc.) to help people through these perilous conversations.
But suppose the people are not actually peers. Or, anyway, don't perceive themselves to be.
But suppose the people are not actually peers. Or, anyway, don't perceive themselves to be.
Imagine having an Ask/Guess conversation with your boss, or your teacher, or a border guard. If you've ever worked retail or hospitality, imagine having it with a customer.
If you're subject to any axis of oppression — most of us are, along some axis or another — imagine having an Ask/Guess conversation with a stranger who lies on the other end of that axis.
Is it safe to just ask for things?
When they ask, is it safe to just say no?
Is it safe to just ask for things?
When they ask, is it safe to just say no?
If asking is safe — if saying no is safe — why is that?
What keeps you safe?
Have you taken steps to control the context of this conversation before stepping into it?
Do you have a safety net to fall back on?
Are you leveraging any sort of embedded social power?
What keeps you safe?
Have you taken steps to control the context of this conversation before stepping into it?
Do you have a safety net to fall back on?
Are you leveraging any sort of embedded social power?
Conversely, if you're near the dominant end of any such axis — and almost all of us are — imagine how that conversation might go. *Now* is it safe to ask? *Now* is it safe to say no?
Does having embedded social power — which is of course what people mean when they say "privilege" — transmogrify you from Guess Culture into Ask?
—And that's what worries me. The Tumblr screencap is an excellent 101 class (if only it weren't a screencap, etc., etc., grrr) … but the 102 class needs to ask, how can this be misinterpreted?
If Human A is already walking into a conversation with more power than Human B, then … well, I guarantee you that Human B is aware of it. But how aware is Human A?
And how easily can Human A misunderstand the power dynamic as a simple "Ask/Guess" dichotomy?
And how easily can Human A misunderstand the power dynamic as a simple "Ask/Guess" dichotomy?
Have you ever had a boss who sings the praises of their own "open door policy," but who dismisses & insults anybody who walks through it?
(NECESSARILY DISCLAIMER: I have seen such bosses over the decades, but I do not have one now, and try not to be one myself. They're awful.)
(NECESSARILY DISCLAIMER: I have seen such bosses over the decades, but I do not have one now, and try not to be one myself. They're awful.)
Anyway: That's someone who's so sure their comfort comes from Ask Culture, they've never stopped to consider, maybe I'm using the power of my role to force everyone else into a Guess position.
…
…
So, eh, I always get to the end of these Twitter threads and realize I've basically said all I have to say; I don't have anything pizzazzy left to end on.
…
So, eh, I always get to the end of these Twitter threads and realize I've basically said all I have to say; I don't have anything pizzazzy left to end on.
Go be kind to people. Go be kind to yourself. Go pay attention to how much power you're wielding, so that you can wield it for the forces of good.
Nanu nanu, and all that.
Nanu nanu, and all that.
