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What did I do to survive?
I hid in closets and cupboards
I hid in the woods and inside hollowed out trees
I hid under the bed
I made myself scarce
I got myself out of the way when I felt things were about to explode
But there is only so much of that one can do...
I hid in closets and cupboards
I hid in the woods and inside hollowed out trees
I hid under the bed
I made myself scarce
I got myself out of the way when I felt things were about to explode
But there is only so much of that one can do...
I learned to be conciliatory, charming, invisible, a part of the scenery. I kept my head down and knew who the targets were (there is always a favorite target poor kid.) I learned to look away, to zone out, to go to sleep, to avoid, to pacify myself. I learned to disassociate
And it saved me. Don't demonize disassociation, it is a valid survival skill. I learned to eat the whole apple with the seeds so as not to be interrogated about food and abused. I learned I couldn't say no. I learned to go along with it all.
I learned to sleep with my hands fisted between my legs in fetal position as protection. I learned to wrap my blanket around my neck as it would take longer for someone to get to me that way. I slept that way until I was about 40. And when triggered and traumatized I would revert
to sleeping in that position. All these things gave me a sense of some control over my body. What little control I had I would find and sit with it. My skills were survival skills and resiliency where others see trauma. Do what you have to do my dears with no shame.
