So, I used to be a straight A+ kid in grade school, throughout up until I finished my PhD coursework (94/100).

My parents raised me self-assured (not cocky, but self-confident), knowing what I did well and just how well I did it, including my limitations and boundaries.

I can 100% certify that finishing a PhD, submitting articles to journals and getting them rejected, and being berated at conferences for "not doing the highest scholarship possible" and being undervalued for doing interdisciplinary, complex work, demoralized me to the point...

... where my self-confidence and morale was at an absolute low.

Academia, for all the good things I like about it (learning, collaborating) is extraordinarily (and weirdly, to be honest) soul-destroying, confidence-shattering and impostor-syndrome-creating.

THIS IS TERRIBLE.

I went from being a self-confident, competitive volleyball player, professional dancer, volunteer in literacy programs in gang-riddled neighbourhoods, extroverted, social butterfly to someone who felt terrible about getting rejected and who loathed reading reviewer comments.

Luckily, the successes I have accumulated have been far more than the defeats, but still, any rejection still stings, sometimes (not always) I feel demoralized when reading reviewer reports.

But I no longer give a damn.

I almost died FOUR TIMES in the last eight years.

I overworked, pushed my physical limits, developed chronic pain, chronic fatigue, eczema/psoriasis/dermatitis.

All because, at least in part, I wanted to be a superstar academic.

I love the research I do, I am very content and happy with my research output, but you know...

... I am happier that my eczema/psoriasis/dermatitis has receded and that I no longer have chronic pain nor chronic fatigue.

I am happy I am alive.

I am happy with what I do.

I may not have any AJPS, APSR, ISQ, JOP, PAR, JPART articles.

But the work I do is important, and

... more importantly, I LOVE WHAT I STUDY.

I LOVE mentoring students. I LOVE teaching. I LOVE doing research.

This 2020, as much as it sucks because of the pandemic, I feel renewed.

Because I no longer feel the weight of academia on my shoulders.

Not anymore.

I'll do what I can, with what I have, wherever I am.

I now occupy space within the global scholarly arena, and I LOVE occupying that space.

I am more motivated than ever to do the work I love, to write what I really like.

Academia no longer feels oppressive to me.

And that's one reason why I advocate for a more human, humane academia.

You can be a great scholar and a fantastic human being.

They are not mutually exclusive.

That's all for my Tuesday morning Twitter musings. I have work to do :)

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