Read on Twitter
Trigger warning - the following thread may cause distress
Support is available:
@samaritans - Tel 116 123 (24/7) - I called them last night
@ManKindInit
@theCALMzone
@UKSAYSNOMORE
@OnlyDads
What will follow is a relatively brief email exchange & analysis
1/x https://twitter.com/JonIrwinLD/status/1249807541825134592
Support is available:
@samaritans - Tel 116 123 (24/7) - I called them last night
@ManKindInit
@theCALMzone
@UKSAYSNOMORE
@OnlyDads
What will follow is a relatively brief email exchange & analysis
1/x https://twitter.com/JonIrwinLD/status/1249807541825134592
The email in the tweet at the top of the thread (for context) I was seeking to clarify some practical details.
For those who aren't aware, Ivy my daughter, is now growing up overseas. She was illegally retained in the country she now is in at 13 months of age.
For those who aren't aware, Ivy my daughter, is now growing up overseas. She was illegally retained in the country she now is in at 13 months of age.
Courts here in the UK granted Leave to Remove, dismissing my allegations of being a victim of domestic abuse without a fact finding.
The Judge told me that I couldn't have been coerced as I'm a 'fully autonomous adult individual'.
The Judge told me that I couldn't have been coerced as I'm a 'fully autonomous adult individual'.
Unsurprisingly issues around contact ensued. I was stalked here in the UK in advance of the first direct contact period back in the UK.
That was a marker to ensure that I knew that people were watching me and prepared to steal/vandalise my home.
That was a marker to ensure that I knew that people were watching me and prepared to steal/vandalise my home.
My request for the 1st direct contact period where I was due to pick up /drop off in the overseas country was refused by Mum. I started legal proceedings in that country then.
That's now over 2 years ago.
We had the hearing over teleconference system last July.
That's now over 2 years ago.
We had the hearing over teleconference system last July.
We had been appointed solicitors as in the jargon, my case is a 'high conflict' one.
My daughter's solicitor made no effort to try to have a skype session with me and Ivy.
I stopped having calls facilitated by Mum about 2 years ago now because of the verbal abuse.
My daughter's solicitor made no effort to try to have a skype session with me and Ivy.
I stopped having calls facilitated by Mum about 2 years ago now because of the verbal abuse.
I had managed to get calls via my daughter's Nursery. They were going well. Mum killed that route after direct contact that summer.
The Judge held onto the belief of the Judge in the L2R case. He ridiculed my fears. I told him he's entitled to his opinion about my feelings.
The Judge held onto the belief of the Judge in the L2R case. He ridiculed my fears. I told him he's entitled to his opinion about my feelings.
The extracts of the calls with Ivy's Mum present (right before I stopped having them with her) were difficult.
The Judge didn't seek to investigate or understand why that was happening, or think why I stopped them and got them via Nursery.
The Judge didn't seek to investigate or understand why that was happening, or think why I stopped them and got them via Nursery.
Anyway, he ordered for me to do calls via an outfit that I had got really bad vibes about.
I jumped through their hoops, then less than 24hrs before the 1st call was scheduled, the owner pulled the plug. Highlighting that I have no say over what happens in that country.
I jumped through their hoops, then less than 24hrs before the 1st call was scheduled, the owner pulled the plug. Highlighting that I have no say over what happens in that country.
In October, I learned that a former parent of my Mum's nursery lives in the same city. She offered to facilitate calls.
Ivy's Mum refused to even try that option.
I updated the court - suggesting that calls facilitate via school and this lady would be a good option.
Ivy's Mum refused to even try that option.
I updated the court - suggesting that calls facilitate via school and this lady would be a good option.
Fast forward to this year, and the pandemic. I sent the email last week at the top of the thread.
Here's my response to Ivy's Mum's email. I've blanked out the name so that it's more anonymous.
Here's my response to Ivy's Mum's email. I've blanked out the name so that it's more anonymous.
Here's the email that I received last night - some details blanked out to avoid identifying location etc
Compare and contrast the writing styles. I've learned through this journey the importance and power of making I statements.
That's completely absent in the email I received.
That's completely absent in the email I received.
The child maintenance claim - the L2R order recognised the significant costs of travel that I would have to incur to not only travel to have the possibility of seeing Ivy, but also accommodation etc, so those monies are supposed to part cover these costs
Given that I fear for my own physical safety if I were to travel to that country, which the Judge ridiculed, I have chosen not to return.
Last time I was there, my former brother in law told me he was comfortable making me feel uncomfortable in front of then 15 month old Ivy
Last time I was there, my former brother in law told me he was comfortable making me feel uncomfortable in front of then 15 month old Ivy
and Ivy's Mum, who was complicit in what was happening.
Also worth noting that Ivy's mum claimed in the L2R proceedings to have an extensive support network in that country both financially and emotionally so no child maintenance no problem.
Also worth noting that Ivy's mum claimed in the L2R proceedings to have an extensive support network in that country both financially and emotionally so no child maintenance no problem.
In the subsequent financial proceedings she made a contradictory submission, but apparently that happens all the time in the family courts and it's fine.
I also learned going through the financial proceedings that I had been subjected to financial abuse too.
I also learned going through the financial proceedings that I had been subjected to financial abuse too.
That's the maintenance bit wrapped up.
Then onto the claimed offer for contact. Ivy's currently 5.
Then onto the claimed offer for contact. Ivy's currently 5.
Thanks to the Judge's, in my view, poor decision Ivy's mother now has his words to hide behind to seemingly justify her choices.
Again, deflecting responsibility for her own actions onto others is a classic abusive trait.
Again, deflecting responsibility for her own actions onto others is a classic abusive trait.
Mum claims that the calls need to be 'nice for Ivy', which is true I would hope that they would be.
Mum makes clear that in her mind, only she can define what is or isn't nice. Ivy isn't allowed to have a relationship with me that Mum doesn't get to dominate.
Mum makes clear that in her mind, only she can define what is or isn't nice. Ivy isn't allowed to have a relationship with me that Mum doesn't get to dominate.
Then the bit about the timing. Across the world we are in lockdown right now. Having a time window that is variable to fit in with Ivy's needs sounds reasonable, until you think she's 5 and will do what the adults around her decide.
Why have that time window? Why say probably?
Why have that time window? Why say probably?
The purpose would be to try to consume as much of my energy and day as possible to cause distress.
Instead of a fixed time, which is easy if Mum really wanted calls to happen, their is a probable time. I in theory would have to then be on call or on eggshells again.
Instead of a fixed time, which is easy if Mum really wanted calls to happen, their is a probable time. I in theory would have to then be on call or on eggshells again.
There we go. That's that.
On-going post separation abuse of my daughter and me. My power is that I can share and tell my story. My daughter's early years with me actively involved denied her and me. Society today is too comfortable with this to the detriment of us all.
On-going post separation abuse of my daughter and me. My power is that I can share and tell my story. My daughter's early years with me actively involved denied her and me. Society today is too comfortable with this to the detriment of us all.
If you've got this far, thank you for reading. Things are changing as more men and women recognise the reality that domestic abuse is about power and control.
I look forward to the time that there is more understanding of this and funding for support services.
I look forward to the time that there is more understanding of this and funding for support services.
Another reminder, support is available:
@samaritans - Tel 116 123 (24/7) - I called them last night
@ManKindInit
@theCALMzone
@UKSAYSNOMORE
@OnlyDads
Do reach out to talk with someone if any of this sound familiar and you've been dealing with it on your own.
@samaritans - Tel 116 123 (24/7) - I called them last night
@ManKindInit
@theCALMzone
@UKSAYSNOMORE
@OnlyDads
Do reach out to talk with someone if any of this sound familiar and you've been dealing with it on your own.
Final exchange of emails.
Another thought too.
I blocked her from WhatsApp years ago. If she was really interested in sharing videos/photos she has my email.
All a sham. Sadly my daughter and I in the short term suffer. Society picks up the bigger tab in terms of the costs of abuse.
I blocked her from WhatsApp years ago. If she was really interested in sharing videos/photos she has my email.
All a sham. Sadly my daughter and I in the short term suffer. Society picks up the bigger tab in terms of the costs of abuse.
