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On Monday, I saw a man hanging from a tree on my way home from work. Like everybody there, I was about to lament his impetuousness when I remembered my circumstances btn June 2018 & April 2019. I hope my story convinces you that suicide is plausible, but not entirely necessary:
I had never been tested as much before. I had just missed out on my graduation & was still smarting from it when my girlfriend of about a decade called it quits. She woke up one day & left. I traveled to Kilifi twice to talk to her. She stopped me at the door each time. August.
I had invested in a spare-parts importation business. One of the other partners was a friend I had known since childhood. Our liaison at the port was the other partner's uncle. We were young and inexperienced. So we were using his name for the transactions. October.
After the first 2 shipments, he would swindle us out of the business. All the transactions were in his name. Lawyer said legal remonstration was a fool's errand. There was no proof of contract. I lost my life savings and my friend's. It was the end of our friendship. November.
December. Trying to minimize impact, looking for a smaller house. I get a call one evening. Papa says results are out. They found a tumor on her. I say can I talk to her. He says, "she doesn't want to talk to you". My mother was afraid of breaking down. Cried myself to sleep.
Jan. I rush home. I open the door. mom is hiding from me. She finally comes out. Where there had been lustrous hair, I find bald patches. I hug her. Head to my brother's Simba. I Cry like a kid. In whimpers. I was overwhelmed. She didn't deserve that.
Feb. I am back in town. I find a smaller house. Move in. Trying to sell the car at half its price. No clients. One Sunday afternoon I am seated alone in the house. I feel wrong. I was ready to go. I've never been so lost as I was that day. I was done with life.
I call my sister. Give her the important details. Tell her I'll be traveling. I head out, I am still debating whether it will be a jump off a building or onto the road. When I see this crippled man behind me. I figure he's coming to ask for coins. I had none, so I double my pace
He is not relenting, so I let him catch up. But he waltzes past me. And I notice something queer. He was humming to "Malaika nakupenda, malaika": No legs, driving himself, whistling away & enjoying it in the process. I knew I would live. That crippled man saved my life.
And even today, it is not uncommon for me to stare too long at a man in a wheelchair. I am still looking for my savior. I pray that when you are down and out and all seems vain - that you find your own crippled man. Some find him in their dreams, others in their families.
It could be your child, your parents; If there is a slight chance that you can still find happiness living, I suggest you pursue it. I honestly don't care what happens to me anymore. My existence is not mine alone. I have to live for mom, for pops & for my small bro & nephews.
It's true we don't deserve the pain, we didn't choose to live. We should have better. But this is what we have bro. We make the best of it. But if you ever find that you can't take no more... I understand man. But until then, we try! Crookeds with the straights.! Weep but move!
