About two years ago I started personifying my depression. It looks like a dementor (Harry Potter) & I play a game with myself when I can feel myself getting dragged into the quicksand. I ask myself where my depression is & how big is it. It helps me gauge where I am.
Sometimes my depression is outside sitting on the steps like a small child. Sometimes my depression is sitting at the dining room table watching me while I work. Sometimes my depression is in the audience at the gig. Sometimes my depression is a 7ft giant, wrapped all around me.
At first I felt bad, because in I observing my depression, I realized that it’s never completely gone. Even in my happiest moments, it’s alive somewhere in relation to me. I found an exercise online about a year ago that encouraged people to talk to depression like it’s a person.
Something incredible happened. After I swore my depression, cried and expressed my frustration, the dark feelings gave way to the realization that my depression emerged at a time when I did not have the tools to process trauma. Depression became the shield & the blanket for me.
Depression became the force, the energy, that took all the blows that j could not take alone. It was there through every single trauma. It wrapped me up when I could not face the world. Even when I hated it, my depression took on the hardest parts of my life without question.
Since then I have been practicing listening to my depression. What is it telling me that I do not want to confront? What blows is it shielding for me? What darkness is it absorbing that I am not ready to deal with? I can use my depression to teach me how to confront my own issues
None of this is easy. You know I’m a #WooWoo gal to the core. If it resonates, it resonates. If it does not, I hope you find tools that can help you. Exercise/movement, creativity, therapy & my spiritual life are the cornerstones of my sanity & wellness. Of course I still get sad
Since employing the tools that help me, I’ve noticed that the depressive episodes are shorter & I do not lose my sense of agency during them. I am also learning that there is a relationships between depression & boundaries that I am still trying to understand. I hope this helps🙏🏾
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