I was crawling across the desert with no food or water for three days. Suddenly, a restaurant! I was saved! And just my luck, I had a wallet full of cash! Famished, I frantically began scanning the menu. But to my dismay, I couldn't find anything I like.

Well, that's not entirely true. There were a few things I like. In fact, most of the menu was filled with things I like. But that's not the point! The point is, this wasn't the restaurant I wanted to go to!

So I did the only sensible thing — I burned the restaurant to the ground and began crawling back through the desert the way I came.

And that is why I, a progressive leftist, will refuse to vote for Joe Biden.