so, it turns out that I have had two kinds of cramps for the last 1.5 years. one because some atrophy was beginning to occur in my repro organs, which was fixed with using estradiol over two to three months. 1/

the second because of c-ptsd. when I find myself down a rabbithole of really intense anxiety, sadness, despair, or some other crushing "negative" feeling, my torso tightens *so much* that I get pelvic cramps. I have cramps less often now, but the intensity is increasing 2/

they happen in the liminal hours between midnight and morning, which is often when anxiety is the worst because i'm so tired and worn down, but the negative thought spiral is such an overpowering vortex that I cannot make myself go to bed. so my body becomes hypervigilant. 3/

it tenses up. and i think because my body composition has been made stronger and more muscular on HRT, the tensing is pulling on adhesions from an unwanted surgery. when I was 18, to preserve my ability to have children, my gyno performed an invasive cystectomy on an ovary 4/

I told him I would never physically have children. He assured me I would change my mind. so because of medical trauma and childhood trauma, my body is...giving me cramps. this is my theory anyway. there is so little science and research about transmasculine people 5/

and the effects of testosterone on the body. I have been in physical agony 2-7 times a week for eighteen months because medical professionals ignored my reports of discomfort. medical transphobia at its finest. I finally have a doctor who listens and is helping, but then 6/

covid-19 hit, and he forgot to refer me to a physical therapist and gynecologist. even if he had, I have asthma and other underlying health conditions. I won't risk going to a clinic right now. what's helping? learning to belly breathe. when the cramps hit now, 7/

I breathe into my belly. at first, it was panic-inducing. I couldn't get enough air! it triggered feelings of suffocation (trauma from childhood asthma attacks and possibly something worse). but with practice, I have gotten to a place where I can feel air filling my torso, 8/

from the bottoms of my lungs to the inside of my nostrils and lips. I can feel the air filling me.

i recently learned about polyvagal theory, just as I was discovering how to help myself. and now I have to wear a mask outside my home, and doing so has been triggering 9/

that feeling of suffocation. I almost pissed myself in the laundry room because I felt like I couldn't breathe with a DIY no-sew mask over my face. and anyway, tl;dr, belly breathing is reminding me that I am alive and have agency. that I can be enough medicine for myself 10/

even in a pandemic, even while disassociating and dysregulating. c-ptsd is fucking wild, but I believe in my resilience. I didn't name myself after a mountain for no fucking reason. 11/11