1/ I was 13 when my family and I were compelled to move to Pakistan from the UAE, broken, penniless, inheritance usurped, abandoned by our own father. Don't want to share details, but what I strongly felt the lack of was an identity.
2/ I can say with certainty about who I am, but where I come from, who my ancestors were, what history my paternal/maternal relatives had, all intrigue me to this day. It was somewhat easy to collect bits and pieces of my maternal side, but very difficult for the paternal.
3/ Tracing, analysing and archiving my family history has been an obsession. I have always wondered what particular lot of good/bad, conservative/liberal, honest/fraud, lawful/unlawful groups existed within my larger 'kumba' (clan).
4/ I discovered, through years of labour, about naanka (maternal grandparents). Maternal grandpa was a 'Religious Teacher' in Pakistan Army (11 Signals Battalion), student of Hussain Ahmad Madani who emigrated from India, believing in the idea of Pakistan.
5/ My maternal grandma was a Syed and from the offspring of Baba Farid Ganj Shakar. Both maternal grandparents lived in Patiala (Undivided Punjab) before partition, and had 2 children at the time, an elder daughter (my eldest khaala) and a baby son.
6/ My maternal grandma's baby son was named 'Zaki'. He died quietly due to severe cold on her bosom when the family was migrating in commotion to Pakistan sitting in a train carriage that wasn't covered. My baby uncle Zaki was buried somewhere along Indo-Pak border.
7/ Fast forward...year 1989. My newborn self opens his eyes to a 43 year old father who had a cautious smile and never really got the hang of parenting. Imagine discovering, at this age, that my old man left my mother all alone at a UAE hospital to deliver me.
8/ My old man was the second of six children born to an illustrious and accomplished PhD engineer. I now know my dad was somewhat of a mediocre and timid man, who was always influenced by one family member or the other.
9/ While all his brothers and sisters 'became something', my old man managed to secure a vocational degree in Auto Engineering from the University of Utah sometime in the 60's. He joined grandpa who was founding Director of Forestry Department in UAE, now known as Barari.
10/ The last time I heard my old man's voice was sometime around 2003 (17 years ago). Couldn't trace his whereabouts since, despite own efforts and those of few paternal relatives who maintained communication. Own immediate uncles/aunts disowned all association with us.
11/ Initially, I used to wonder whether my old man married elsewhere, fathered more children, moved on. With time, especially after I turned 25, all I think about is whether he's alive. As he was born in Jalandhar (Indian Punjab) in 1946, he must be 74 this year.
12/ He was always averse to marriage, preferred being alone and isolated. It were my phuppos (paternal aunts) that finally persuaded him to tie the knot. He managed to father two children (including me), but where is the 'legacy' we were to carry forward? Nothing we knew of.
13/ In 2014, good fortune (or destiny?) helped me find an original pocket diary from 1984 belonging to my paternal grandpa, who was a PhD in Range Management from the US. That diary remains the most intriguing and as-yet most detailed piece of insight into his life.
14/ The biodata section of the diary mentions grandpa's personally-identifiable information including his erstwhile NWFP pension number (he was formerly head of Pakistan Forest Institute, Peshawar), old NIC number, addresses, etc.
15/ Most interesting of all are the different dated logs in which he mentioned birthdates of his children, grandchildren (found dad's from there), names and details of family, friends and acquaintances including short memoirs of business trips to Japan, Singapore, US, etc.
16/ I launched 'Project Sharif' in 2014 (after surname of my grandpa) through which I've employed OSINT/SOCMINT to trace and map almost all those people, places and events which were mentioned in that diary. It feels absolutely surreal.
17/ I sometimes imagine my grandpa smiling through the laptop screen as I compile the mindmap on a digital canvas, finding his old friends across the world through web page or digital press archives, some of them engineers, some doctors, some old university fellows.
18/ To give you one surreal example, the attached photo of my grandpa was laboriously discovered after employing intensive Google Dorking and crawling through digital copies of student yearbooks from the University of Michigan (early 50's).
19/ This still is the only other photo besides another one (in old age) that my mother managed to save for me. I was fascinated, upon verifying, that this young chap (then in Masters) was indeed my grandpa.
20/ I then found myself standing in front of my only taaya's (elder paternal uncle's) lawn in San Luis Obispo (CA) using Google Street View, a retired PhD Professor of Accounting (Calpoly) and, in another tab, finding an author profile of his columns published in a local paper.
21/ After a while, I hopped over to Doha (Qatar) to find the house where my only chacha (younger paternal uncle) lived, before he again moved to New Jersey (US). Background buildings in some photos helped me approximately geo-locate his home in Doha.
22/ Frequent bouts of melancholy prompt me now and then to revisit the exact site of the last UAE home we lived in, before moving to Pakistan. The building no longer exists, it was a government-sponsored house in Al Ain (UAE). Coordinates: 24°14'46.1"N 55°40'20.6"E
23/ I managed to trace out almost all my paternal cousins and elders through OSINT/SOCMINT and tried to connect with them. For some reason, not a single one of them cared to respond or acknowledge my existence.
24/ I tried as much as I could, but the only living person from paternal side I couldn't find anywhere online, was my own old man. His last known postal address is now used by an Indian in Sanaiya (Al Ain, UAE), his last known phone number is no more in existence.
25/ A distant relative once 'tipped' me that my old man moved to a specific energy company in Qatar. I tried searching through all available online records but to no avail. Did he even go there in the first place? Not known.
26/ So while I was able to chart maternal side offline, I used OSINT/SOCMINT to map out my paternal side. The blank form still remains, where is my old man? Is he still out there?
27/ While I've been able to gather something about my family history, many pieces of the puzzle still remain. Perhaps it is on me to fill some through my own accomplishments (if any). I have a son of 5, to whom I'd want to hand over that 'broader identity', even if partial.
28/ Is it all worth it? Is the 'tribal' / large family identity going to relevant in the future? Will I amount to something? Do I have something to add? Is the concept of a 'legacy' going to be pertinent if and when I reach old age? Should I be so exasperated now?
29/ Amidst all this suffocating existential dread, I find solace while reflecting upon the past decade and a half: If I made it thus far, overcoming countless odds (thanks God), I might be able to 'make it' again.
30/ Everything seemed so 'simple' and 'obvious' when I grew up witnessing the release of Windows 98, hearing Jim Clancy on CNN and watching soothing documentaries on Nat Geo. As I aged, discovered how cruel and desolate this world is, how utterly complex people and things can be.
31/ What's the point of all this labour? Perhaps the attempt to seek a unique purpose in life, greater than one's self, that helps attain a unique identity and influence the world around you, send ripples, even if they don't cause any apparent effect. Efforts must be let out.
32/ Perhaps we were given the opportunity in our lifetimes to witness the phasing out of a post-industrial world and make efforts to mould an abrupt, new global order which would paint white all those issues wrongly blackened by our predecessors. Define a method to the madness.
33/ Perhaps this is when those with confirmed, disputed, evolved or incomplete identities can stand together on one page and start the world from scratch. This is the time for Generation Y to assert itself more prominently in formulating a pro-human world order.
34/ Hope is all we have. Most of our elders started from scratch, not all had a glorious past to look up to. They had to make one, for the future. If I wasn't able to access my past the way I wanted to, I'll have to develop a new one, now, for the future. It starts with me.
35/ Time to change my description from a 'branch' to a 'tree'. Let's see :)
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