Read on Twitter
percolating thoughts on:
internal conflict, defensiveness, avoiding "error correction" signals, prediction/anticipation/expectation, the relationship between intention and actually doing something
nothing coherent yet but there& #39;s something here
internal conflict, defensiveness, avoiding "error correction" signals, prediction/anticipation/expectation, the relationship between intention and actually doing something
nothing coherent yet but there& #39;s something here
okay! looping back to: https://twitter.com/selentelechia/status/1249761571946901509?s=20">https://twitter.com/selentele...
k got distracted
where was I
right. defensiveness!
what *is* defensiveness?
where was I
right. defensiveness!
what *is* defensiveness?
I want to start by thinking about pure sensory input, related to this tweet, and list a few examples: https://twitter.com/selentelechia/status/1249760200128487424?s=20">https://twitter.com/selentele...
ex. #1
when I was failing out of engineering classes, I made a new email and redirected most of my non-school communication and website registrations there, so that I didn& #39;t have to see emails from advisers or professors or hell even just boring student life shit
(1/2)
when I was failing out of engineering classes, I made a new email and redirected most of my non-school communication and website registrations there, so that I didn& #39;t have to see emails from advisers or professors or hell even just boring student life shit
(1/2)
(2/2)
when I couldn& #39;t avoid opening my old email, I would do really, really weird things like blurring my vision/crossing my eyes, covering the bottom half of the screen so I could search for the specific email, only looking with one squinting eye open
when I couldn& #39;t avoid opening my old email, I would do really, really weird things like blurring my vision/crossing my eyes, covering the bottom half of the screen so I could search for the specific email, only looking with one squinting eye open
#2
I always preferred having difficult conversations with my parents while we were in the car
so I didn& #39;t have to make eye contact
and so that both of us had other things engaging part of our attention
I always preferred having difficult conversations with my parents while we were in the car
so I didn& #39;t have to make eye contact
and so that both of us had other things engaging part of our attention
#3
I have some sensory processing issues, hypersensitivity
the degree to which this causes me distress varies *wildly*
and corresponds almost perfectly with my stress/anxiety levels
I have some sensory processing issues, hypersensitivity
the degree to which this causes me distress varies *wildly*
and corresponds almost perfectly with my stress/anxiety levels
#4
when I started spending time in extremely accomplished/smart social circles, I became *dramatically* less argumentative and made much weaker claims in general
when I started spending time in extremely accomplished/smart social circles, I became *dramatically* less argumentative and made much weaker claims in general
#5
1st grade, music class
had some phlegm in my throat
made some coughing/hacking noises to clear it, thinking nothing of it
the teacher, from another room: "what on EARTH is that horrible noise?"
class: *turns to look at me*
(1/2)
1st grade, music class
had some phlegm in my throat
made some coughing/hacking noises to clear it, thinking nothing of it
the teacher, from another room: "what on EARTH is that horrible noise?"
class: *turns to look at me*
(1/2)
me: *shrinks, turns red, says nothing for rest of class*
(2/2)
(2/2)
#6
I& #39;m walking down the road with my then-bf
some dicks in a truck come roaring up behind us and blare their horn
I see red, spin around, scream "FUCK YOU"
I& #39;m walking down the road with my then-bf
some dicks in a truck come roaring up behind us and blare their horn
I see red, spin around, scream "FUCK YOU"
I could define "defensiveness" as purely downstream of fear
and that wouldn& #39;t be wrong, exactly
but it& #39;s incomplete, not nearly detailed enough to get at all of the moving parts
and that wouldn& #39;t be wrong, exactly
but it& #39;s incomplete, not nearly detailed enough to get at all of the moving parts
another example, #7
sometimes, dramatic, unexpected noises that stand out from the background actually *hurt.* if you& #39;ve ever had "brain zaps" from SSRI withdrawal, it feels a bit like that, across the surface of my skin
sometimes it makes my vision blur/blank out (1/n)
sometimes, dramatic, unexpected noises that stand out from the background actually *hurt.* if you& #39;ve ever had "brain zaps" from SSRI withdrawal, it feels a bit like that, across the surface of my skin
sometimes it makes my vision blur/blank out (1/n)
it isn& #39;t always about volume
and it isn& #39;t always because it *scares* me
sometimes it& #39;s because I am putting a lot of effortful attention into something: driving, meditating, reading, studying
it& #39;s worse if I& #39;m already tense
and it isn& #39;t always because it *scares* me
sometimes it& #39;s because I am putting a lot of effortful attention into something: driving, meditating, reading, studying
it& #39;s worse if I& #39;m already tense
compare to the way I react to such things when I& #39;m calm, energetic, engaged but not straining, at ease: no pain, no flinch
there& #39;s a buffer zone between receiving the signal and evaluating it, at the *physical* level
there& #39;s a buffer zone between receiving the signal and evaluating it, at the *physical* level
that& #39;s probably enough examples
I thought I could lead into this smoothly but I think I& #39;m just going to have to lay my claims out and see if something coheres downthread
I thought I could lead into this smoothly but I think I& #39;m just going to have to lay my claims out and see if something coheres downthread
[epistemic status: lmao]
claim 1: defensiveness *is* basically about perceived or anticipated threat
claim 2: there are response patterns that are, FOR ME, identical to my conception of "defensiveness" but which aren& #39;t in response to what anyone watching would call a "threat"
claim 1: defensiveness *is* basically about perceived or anticipated threat
claim 2: there are response patterns that are, FOR ME, identical to my conception of "defensiveness" but which aren& #39;t in response to what anyone watching would call a "threat"
claim 3: the patterns in (2) are, actually, responding to a threat
so
what is being threatened?
so
what is being threatened?
claim 4: response patterns that can broadly be described as "defensive" (flinch, pain, shrink, yell, fight, turn red, run away, limit routes for sensory input, etc) are triggered in response to the *disruption of expectation*
I& #39;m using "expectation" in a maybe-idiosyncratic way
or maybe just a narrow way
it& #39;s related to the anticipating/predicting process I mentioned here: https://twitter.com/selentelechia/status/1249760196060012544?s=20">https://twitter.com/selentele...
or maybe just a narrow way
it& #39;s related to the anticipating/predicting process I mentioned here: https://twitter.com/selentelechia/status/1249760196060012544?s=20">https://twitter.com/selentele...
for the sake of this thread, "expectation" means what it means most of the time
and also implies a sort of...clutching? feeling
"the world is/will be like this" + [effort/strain/tension/clinging/needing]
so maybe: "the world has to be like this"
(or what?
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Smiling face with open mouth" aria-label="Emoji: Smiling face with open mouth">)
and also implies a sort of...clutching? feeling
"the world is/will be like this" + [effort/strain/tension/clinging/needing]
so maybe: "the world has to be like this"
(or what?
