yesterday's meditation session after an emotionally tumultuous weekend

since I'm not writing this immediately after the session I may be missing something, but I want to try to capture as much of the interesting stuff as I can

I sat for about 45 minutes after noticing that, while I was feeling more *stable* last night, *something* unpleasant and unendorsed was spinning up

edge of a disassociative episode, maybe

so my intention was to watch what was happening

without forcing myself into a specific shape

and to notice whether I was doing something harmful as I drifted into disassociation

I can't track time very well while I meditate but I think the first 10 minutes or so were gentle and lightly experimental

keeping an eye out for good, bad, and confusing ways that I was drifting into being

I slipped into a hypnagogic state for a bit, maybe dozed

I noticed the hypnagogia and snapped out of it, almost having to "start over" on being receptive to noticing things

but I found curiosity and let that come forward a bit

and felt that it might be good to become aware of sensory experience without inference of meaning

not for the first time, but more clearly/less fleetingly than before, I noticed that the sensory stream is distinct from the process of predicting/imagining what it meant

I slowly, gently expanded the scope of what I was noticing

for sound in particular, I noticed a parallel process of visualization and inference

the sound of a car outside the window was just a sound; the parallel process was constructing an image or "sense" of a car

I noticed a hypervigilance attending to household noises

I noticed another parallel process spinning up predictions

developing expectations for the sorts of sounds I might hear

developing a plan for ignoring them

I noticed that *planning for anticipated sensory input* was dominating

I inclined towards noticing whether it might be good to be less consumed by this process

a loud, unexpected sound happened, something in the adjacent apartment

it *hurt*

not a lot, but it was a buzzing jolt across my body, particularly the chest and head

there was a synesthetic flash of color (blue/black/white light)

the planning/anticipation process...stumbled? and surged back with a *lot* of force

it seemed that I was trying to simulate all possible inputs before they occurred

as well as a set of ways to "handle" them

I considered not doing that, and found that it was comfortable and good to "relax" out of that process a bit

I noticed a connection between my state at the start of the session and this prediction/anticipation process

my initial state seemed to have been an attempt to "expect less" (in a way that felt bad; suppressing desires, ignoring needs)

it seems that the anticipation/planning process has a feedback loop

where "jolts" of sensory input "halt" the process

and the process recovers via a surge of *force*

adrenaline

I considered noticing if it might be good and safe to interrupt the process

it wasn't

it was good and safe to accept, somewhat abstractly, any and all sensory input as a possibility

so I sat with that for a bit

I have a memory of what happened next *making sense* but I don't remember *what* I noticed between that, and the sudden onset of a gut-level sense of "safety"

a lot of tension dissolved

a lot of rigidity, againstness, defensiveness melted away

I considered whether it might be apathy

it didn't seem to be; wants still felt "alive" and "important"

and I Knew I would still respond to pain or signs of danger with adrenaline

but the scope of what I felt I could accept without tension was much, much broader

this feels like at least one way to move forward in reality-as-it-is without distress

AND without apathy or depression

I want to explore this more, keep an eye out for trying to force myself into this state

but I feel much better knowing it's there

it feels like new information about how I fall into certain feedback loops and distress spirals

and maybe new information about my sensory processing issues

as a side effect, I think I've felt out some of the difference between Trying To Focus

and attention without tension

ohohoho I thought of something

will report back