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yesterday's meditation session after an emotionally tumultuous weekend
since I'm not writing this immediately after the session I may be missing something, but I want to try to capture as much of the interesting stuff as I can
since I'm not writing this immediately after the session I may be missing something, but I want to try to capture as much of the interesting stuff as I can
I sat for about 45 minutes after noticing that, while I was feeling more *stable* last night, *something* unpleasant and unendorsed was spinning up
edge of a disassociative episode, maybe
edge of a disassociative episode, maybe
so my intention was to watch what was happening
without forcing myself into a specific shape
and to notice whether I was doing something harmful as I drifted into disassociation
without forcing myself into a specific shape
and to notice whether I was doing something harmful as I drifted into disassociation
I can't track time very well while I meditate but I think the first 10 minutes or so were gentle and lightly experimental
keeping an eye out for good, bad, and confusing ways that I was drifting into being
I slipped into a hypnagogic state for a bit, maybe dozed
keeping an eye out for good, bad, and confusing ways that I was drifting into being
I slipped into a hypnagogic state for a bit, maybe dozed
I noticed the hypnagogia and snapped out of it, almost having to "start over" on being receptive to noticing things
but I found curiosity and let that come forward a bit
and felt that it might be good to become aware of sensory experience without inference of meaning
but I found curiosity and let that come forward a bit
and felt that it might be good to become aware of sensory experience without inference of meaning
not for the first time, but more clearly/less fleetingly than before, I noticed that the sensory stream is distinct from the process of predicting/imagining what it meant
I slowly, gently expanded the scope of what I was noticing
I slowly, gently expanded the scope of what I was noticing
for sound in particular, I noticed a parallel process of visualization and inference
the sound of a car outside the window was just a sound; the parallel process was constructing an image or "sense" of a car
I noticed a hypervigilance attending to household noises
the sound of a car outside the window was just a sound; the parallel process was constructing an image or "sense" of a car
I noticed a hypervigilance attending to household noises
I noticed another parallel process spinning up predictions
developing expectations for the sorts of sounds I might hear
developing a plan for ignoring them
developing expectations for the sorts of sounds I might hear
developing a plan for ignoring them
I noticed that *planning for anticipated sensory input* was dominating
I inclined towards noticing whether it might be good to be less consumed by this process
a loud, unexpected sound happened, something in the adjacent apartment
I inclined towards noticing whether it might be good to be less consumed by this process
a loud, unexpected sound happened, something in the adjacent apartment
it *hurt*
not a lot, but it was a buzzing jolt across my body, particularly the chest and head
there was a synesthetic flash of color (blue/black/white light)
the planning/anticipation process...stumbled? and surged back with a *lot* of force
not a lot, but it was a buzzing jolt across my body, particularly the chest and head
there was a synesthetic flash of color (blue/black/white light)
the planning/anticipation process...stumbled? and surged back with a *lot* of force
it seemed that I was trying to simulate all possible inputs before they occurred
as well as a set of ways to "handle" them
I considered not doing that, and found that it was comfortable and good to "relax" out of that process a bit
as well as a set of ways to "handle" them
I considered not doing that, and found that it was comfortable and good to "relax" out of that process a bit
I noticed a connection between my state at the start of the session and this prediction/anticipation process
my initial state seemed to have been an attempt to "expect less" (in a way that felt bad; suppressing desires, ignoring needs)
my initial state seemed to have been an attempt to "expect less" (in a way that felt bad; suppressing desires, ignoring needs)
it seems that the anticipation/planning process has a feedback loop
where "jolts" of sensory input "halt" the process
and the process recovers via a surge of *force*
adrenaline
where "jolts" of sensory input "halt" the process
and the process recovers via a surge of *force*
adrenaline
I considered noticing if it might be good and safe to interrupt the process
it wasn't
it was good and safe to accept, somewhat abstractly, any and all sensory input as a possibility
so I sat with that for a bit
it wasn't
it was good and safe to accept, somewhat abstractly, any and all sensory input as a possibility
so I sat with that for a bit
I have a memory of what happened next *making sense* but I don't remember *what* I noticed between that, and the sudden onset of a gut-level sense of "safety"
a lot of tension dissolved
a lot of rigidity, againstness, defensiveness melted away
a lot of tension dissolved
a lot of rigidity, againstness, defensiveness melted away
I considered whether it might be apathy
it didn't seem to be; wants still felt "alive" and "important"
and I Knew I would still respond to pain or signs of danger with adrenaline
but the scope of what I felt I could accept without tension was much, much broader
it didn't seem to be; wants still felt "alive" and "important"
and I Knew I would still respond to pain or signs of danger with adrenaline
but the scope of what I felt I could accept without tension was much, much broader
this feels like at least one way to move forward in reality-as-it-is without distress
AND without apathy or depression
I want to explore this more, keep an eye out for trying to force myself into this state
but I feel much better knowing it's there
AND without apathy or depression
I want to explore this more, keep an eye out for trying to force myself into this state
but I feel much better knowing it's there
it feels like new information about how I fall into certain feedback loops and distress spirals
and maybe new information about my sensory processing issues
as a side effect, I think I've felt out some of the difference between Trying To Focus
and attention without tension
and maybe new information about my sensory processing issues
as a side effect, I think I've felt out some of the difference between Trying To Focus
and attention without tension
ohohoho I thought of something
will report back
will report back
