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You guys remember the sitcom Half & Half? I& #39;ve always loved it. I was trying to figure out something in my head, I wanted to name a particular emotion I& #39;ve been feeling for a few years and it came to mind. Basically I& #39;m Mona and I have a DeeDee.
See, my whole life my parents have been separated. The details of their separation is not sketchy,in fact there are too many details for my liking. I grew up going between homes for school and holidays etc. I was an only child for most of my life.
I was/am an introvert mostly, I was very shy growing up (I& #39;d respond with smiles when greeted), content with my own company, liked reading and my circle of friends has always been small. I prefer it that way. I understood myself to be all of those things.
But I also knew I was angry and very sad. Many things affected me. My parents are old school in many ways. The "there& #39;s food at home" mom to " don& #39;t play with other children& #39;s toys" dad. They weren& #39;t physically abusive at all but I thought they were a bit much with the spoken &..
Unspoken rules. I never really felt like I could be myself. You know free, light and not so responsible and well behaved. I was also quite mature I think. I understood a lot of things. That they can never be together( seriously, this was a bad idea),I never even wished for that.
I understood that they were dealing with many traumas from childhood to adulthood and the loss of dreams. I also understood that there wasn& #39;t a lot of money around and yet I still wished for many things Baby Born, a new Barbie,cellphones, laptops..you know
I also had an overriding need to fit in but never did the work. I believe what I experienced in primary was bullying. And I always felt different...I didn& #39;t have a desire to party,I hated dancing, drinking was yuck...obviously...I was not the one people wanted to be friends with
Going to a private high school made me feel more different and highlighted all my insecurities and ofcourse a bit of what I lacked financially. My blazer was second hand, I had to find cheaper places to buy textbooks and fees were something my mom and I talked about often
But given all that, my mom believes in education so she would give everything to make it comfortable so everything else was brand new. I just didn& #39;t get stuff like a variety of coloured pens etc.
I& #39;ve had to forego many "luxuries". my first BlackBerry was after matrix(I was late to the hype yet again). Most of my branded clothes were hand me downs and I hardly partied or attended things because I would always have to leave early or never had anyone to take or fetch me
As a result the combination of my life experiences I have a curated a number of coping mechanisms. I don& #39;t open to people, I say no when I wanna say yes and cry over this sometimes, I don& #39;t have high expectations of people especially friends....I& #39;ve been denied too many times
I even avoid disappointments in my family life. Please understand that this thread is not to bash my dad. He did his best and he was and is a present father and neither is it to bash my mom. This is me explaining my feelings.
I am Mona because over the last couple of years I& #39;ve had to experience a few new things. I get to watch my dad love my step mom loudly, I get to see what romantic love looks like up close, I get to define and redefine being a child and stepchild as I grow and...
I get to watch my sister live a life I had never imagined and have imagine in parts. I am happy for her but I have to work hard to do that without the bitterness, the "why wasn& #39;t I good enough for that?" And the "what about me?"
