You guys remember the sitcom Half & Half? I've always loved it. I was trying to figure out something in my head, I wanted to name a particular emotion I've been feeling for a few years and it came to mind. Basically I'm Mona and I have a DeeDee.

See, my whole life my parents have been separated. The details of their separation is not sketchy,in fact there are too many details for my liking. I grew up going between homes for school and holidays etc. I was an only child for most of my life.

I was/am an introvert mostly, I was very shy growing up (I'd respond with smiles when greeted), content with my own company, liked reading and my circle of friends has always been small. I prefer it that way. I understood myself to be all of those things.

But I also knew I was angry and very sad. Many things affected me. My parents are old school in many ways. The "there's food at home" mom to " don't play with other children's toys" dad. They weren't physically abusive at all but I thought they were a bit much with the spoken &..

Unspoken rules. I never really felt like I could be myself. You know free, light and not so responsible and well behaved. I was also quite mature I think. I understood a lot of things. That they can never be together( seriously, this was a bad idea),I never even wished for that.

I understood that they were dealing with many traumas from childhood to adulthood and the loss of dreams. I also understood that there wasn't a lot of money around and yet I still wished for many things Baby Born, a new Barbie,cellphones, laptops..you know

I also had an overriding need to fit in but never did the work. I believe what I experienced in primary was bullying. And I always felt different...I didn't have a desire to party,I hated dancing, drinking was yuck...obviously...I was not the one people wanted to be friends with

Going to a private high school made me feel more different and highlighted all my insecurities and ofcourse a bit of what I lacked financially. My blazer was second hand, I had to find cheaper places to buy textbooks and fees were something my mom and I talked about often

But given all that, my mom believes in education so she would give everything to make it comfortable so everything else was brand new. I just didn't get stuff like a variety of coloured pens etc.

I've had to forego many "luxuries". my first BlackBerry was after matrix(I was late to the hype yet again). Most of my branded clothes were hand me downs and I hardly partied or attended things because I would always have to leave early or never had anyone to take or fetch me

As a result the combination of my life experiences I have a curated a number of coping mechanisms. I don't open to people, I say no when I wanna say yes and cry over this sometimes, I don't have high expectations of people especially friends....I've been denied too many times

I even avoid disappointments in my family life. Please understand that this thread is not to bash my dad. He did his best and he was and is a present father and neither is it to bash my mom. This is me explaining my feelings.

I am Mona because over the last couple of years I've had to experience a few new things. I get to watch my dad love my step mom loudly, I get to see what romantic love looks like up close, I get to define and redefine being a child and stepchild as I grow and...

I get to watch my sister live a life I had never imagined and have imagine in parts. I am happy for her but I have to work hard to do that without the bitterness, the "why wasn't I good enough for that?" And the "what about me?"

It's so hard but my love for her helps. My empathy for my parents having done the best they could with what they had also helps. But there's this nagging that refuses to leave and leads to days on days of sadness.