OK #CurryMonday fam it’s time to go for gold! The richest, most complicated and yet wonderful dish of the year... Chicken Biryani!
Apparently this dish was invented as a way of showing off just how well you can eat if you are rich in both spice & rice.

And to give you some idea of the task ahead here are the ingredients (& there are a lot of them...)
It’s a Bank Holiday Bonanza!

In a process I now call taking the pish - dry the yogurt out on some tissue. You’d be amazed how much water comes out in seconds.

As proved by this distressing gif

Apologies for that 80s VHS video nasty quality footage there. Here look at these nice things instead. I’m gonna colour my cream with this lot. Sorry. Again, not thinking these sentences through.

Marinade serenade time
Give it as long as you can. Half an hour minimum tho right? I mean we ain’t fucking around here.

Now the onions are important in a biryani. They need to be cooked till they are dark brown but don’t dice them, you want thinly sliced like half an Essex hoop earring. They will make the dish look (and taste) better.

Now biryani is all about luxury so fry down your massive amounts of onion in massive amounts of ghee. You need this full pan of onions to sweat down like spinach. They need to be browned until they resemble Ken Dodds hair. This will take ages, which is good for that marinade.

LETS TEAR UP THE RULES AND MAKE RICE BADLY! Why? Because it will keep cooking in the oven so we are just par boiling. Instead of using 2 cups water to 1 cup rice only add 1 & a 1/2 cups of water, and don’t cover it. Boil the water out and you should be left with half cooked rice.

LUXURY I TELLS YA LUXURY!
More precious than gold (or indeed green) it’s saffron baby. Watch as I infuse my milk. Apologies again for that mental image.

Not this one

Now back to those onions - before and after. I think you’ll agree, no fucking about here.

Set half the onions aside then add a dab more ghee, bay leaves, cinnamon stick, 2 whole chillies (stabbed), coriander seeds, cumin, turmeric, 6 cardamon green, 1 black, 6 cloves and a teaspoon of black peppercorns (whole). Toast em up till smell is unbelievable.

Add some fresh chopped tomatoes gently heat it all up until the tomatoes dissolve into sauce. Fresh tomatoes please - I know there’s a war on but this is God’s own biryani not a Vesta special.

So once it’s turned into a deep purple goo add the marinaded chicken and stir it all up. Cook it for 15/20 mins till the chicken is just done. During this bit CLEAN UP THE KITCHEN FFS .... chop coriander (with stalks), get your saffron milk ready, the onions and ready the rice.

*droooooooooooooooooooooools*

Time to get all our ducks in a row (so to speak, no ducks were harmed etc ... chickens? Yeah they got fucked up for sure). By which I mean fried onions-saffron milk-par boiled rice & ghee. This is getting very buttery. First butter the inside of the pot.

Houston we have a problem... the masala is too wet! I guess I better simmer down

BOOM We are back in the room. It’s time to build this bad boy.

RICE
GHEE
SAFFRON
ONIONS
CORIANDER
CHICKEN

RICE
GHEE
SAFFRON
ONIONS
CORIANDER
CHICKEN

RICE
GHEE
SAFFRON
ONIONS
CORIANDER

LID ON OVEN READY BASTARD

God bless her and all who sail in her.

*worries about rice*

The rice needs to cook. In India they seal the lid shut with dough. I should have done that. Why? Why? Dammit man ... I could have made the dough lid thing. I’ve let myself down, I’ve let northern India down, I’ve let you down. Or it might be ok.