INSTRUCTIONAL THREAD for LOCKDOWN FUN! How to *almost* make a ship in a bottle in 10 easy steps, involving sharp objects, rum and cursing. Perfect for doing with children.

1. Get yourself a stick from the stick basket.

If you don't have a stick basket, see my instructional video, 'How to build a pioneer log cabin and successfully live in it thereafter.'

2. Using a penknife, carve the basic hull shape. Maybe google some pictures of boats and pick one so you don't end up with some kind of hideous mish-mash of a Frankenboat. That would be embarrassing.

3. VERY CAREFULLY using a penknife and sandpaper, hollow out the hull.

DO NOT do anything that involves going to A&E, they do not need your custom rn.

For this reason, DO NOT tell anyone who may worry about you stabbing yourself until after this step is complete.

4. Do some more whittling and add a bowsprit. Make some masts. Tum ti tum.

5. Cannibalise some paper clips to make little foldy masts and attach the spars with cotton. Yes, the whole lot needs to fold. You have to get this inside a bottle, remember.

6. Paint and varnish the hull. Give it a great name, like Nan-Shan, or Boaty McBoatface

7. Spend a cheery evening gluing yourself to small bits of cotton, your trousers, wood shavings, the table. Curse the day you ever began this project. Call this 'rigging'.

8. Get that letter from Boris out of the recycling, stain it with tea, and make a foresail. Add other little bits. Fix the raising/lowering action with the help of a small-handed family member. The boat is finished.

9. Ah yes! The bottle. Where's that bottle. Finish whatever's in it.

10. At this point, and *not before* you have spent days doing some insanely intricate woodwork, have a look and check if the boat will actually fit inside the bottle whose contents you have just swigged.

Nope, it's too tall.

11. Contemplate OTHER BOTTLES. Basically give up at this point and fix yourself a congratulatory drink for *almost* making a ship in a bottle.