just noticed:

the dominant part of my brain doesn't want me to have preferences, so it replaces the question of "do i enjoy doing x" with "should i do x"

it's so automatic it happens *before* the part of me that has preferences is even able to assert them

(cop v child brain?)

rating+tracking enjoyment seems like a cop brain idea

ideally, child brain could assert itself normally -- but how??

unsure whether the fact that i seem to prefer(?) doing one task and one task only for ~12 hours in a given day is:

- an actual preference

- cope that gets the cop-brain off child-brain's back

if anyone has recommendations or ideas i would be v interested! (maybe i just need to finish reading that one cptsd book?)

just thinking of it in these terms probably will help bc i h a t e authority and what it does to kids

("cop" for me is more realistically "teacher" but "cop" has fewer characters and is more evocative)