As fucked up as this is, I am more anxious about the pandemic ending than I am about everything happening right now. A thread.

With no one being able to leave, there are no expectations of me, nowhere I have to be at a certain time, no one thing I'm forced to focus on and get ready for instead of being allowed to be impulsively/spontaneously productive. That ends when the crisis ends.

My regular nightly thoughts of "I'm so alone, here's a list of everything that's wrong about me and all the things I should change if I ever want someone to notice me" are gone because there's literally nothing I could do right now to meet people. That ends when the crisis ends.

So many people are out of work that I feel I am ~allowed~ to take the time and fortunate to have the time to learn and experiment with making an income at home without the pressure of having to find a "real job." That ends when the crisis ends.

Stuck at home, I've re-experienced a part of my self that takes pride in being a fanboy / geek. I don't have the pressures of thoughts like "this is a waste of my time" or "people won't take you seriously if this is what you do with your life." That ends when the crisis ends.

And I start to catch myself thinking "What if this isn't my personality? What if this is mental illness? And what if I don't want to go back to trying to be 'normal?'" I don't have to worry about that until this is over, and that brings peace. That peace is gone when it's over.

I think most people are looking at everything happening and thinking "This is just too much to handle right now, I want to block it out." But some of us are thinking "Everything before this was a lot to handle, and I'm not ready to go back." #BPD #MentalHealth #coronavirus