Hey guys.
A random rant is coming.
Firstly: I've lost a family member back home in Amsterdam to CorVid19.
She was an Aunt of my mom's. We weren't super close but she was super close to my Oma which makes her super close in that way that Surinamese families work.
Because of CorVid... My mom couldn't go home to the funeral.
And even if she could. No more than 30 people could have attended and with kids, spouses and grandkids... That 30 was reached.
I've spent the last 2 weeks playing that in my mind. If you know anything about Surinamese culture you know that funerals are... Sacred. There are rituals, there are rites, there is fellowship.
We've entered an age where none of that can happen.
And idk. It's haunting me that people who were largely loved by large families... By MY large family. Are ending their days and being buried alone.
Secondly, one of my most favorite cousins in the world (the one I actually owe my current academic career too if I'm being Frank) is a chef on a cruise ship. They've been denied entry in every country they've docked in for a month.
Last week he sent a long message.
Begging us all to be safe because if something happens he won't be able to come home.... I've reread that message and cried about a dozen times.
1) Someone I owe literally my life to is stranded at sea with no word on when he will return.

2) Reading his message made it suddenly very real that at any moment someone in Tennessee/Mississippi or someone in Holland or in Suriname could be gone and I'd be stuck here in Mass.
Thirdly: My kid is wildly unable to handle the current situation.
She can't sleep because of anxiety.
Not sleeping makes her cranky which makes her more anxious.
There have been epic meltdowns daily.
In her little 8 year old mind she's fighting 1) not knowing when she'll see her school friends again
2) Not knowing when she'll see her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins again.
It's too much for a tiny person.
Fourthly: My fiancee is fourlouged indefinitely.
It sucks ass. Our income was fully dependent on him so... Yeah.
It's a daily fight not to let the stress consume us all.
I've fought manic depression my entire life.
Spring is always a rough time for me. Depression + Financial Strain + Anxiety Ridden Kid + Family turmoil...

I'm just trying to keep my head above water man.
There is a very real possibility that things get worse from here.
I'm a grad student with no promised summer funding.
And while ALL the professors at our institution go above and beyond to make sure we're good....
I am realizing CorVid severely limits their ability.
There is a strong likelihood that with Justin being fourlouged and me not being paid in the summer everything will undoubtedly turn to absolute shit.
Oh. Also. Nationals is cancelled for Debate.
I know that seems like a moot point but as a coach Nationals is everything.
I haven't seen my students in months. State is cancelled. Nats is cancelled. Seniors worked years for this and... Nothing.
Anyway. This sucks. Everything about it sucks. Every minute of it is anxiety inducing and frustrating and angering.
All of this effects real people in real life and I just really wish you ass holes would stay at home.
You can follow @_ItzDutchess.
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