Read on Twitter
It was EXTREMELY difficult being off Twitter for #Lent2020 this year. I missed you guys a LOT, especially once I started working from home. I never realized how much I count on Twitter for current events & social interaction. Enjoy my 2nd annual Lenten season tweet thread…
The meaning change when someone writes “defiantly” instead of “definitely” will always be hilarious to me…
“I’ll defiantly check out that band you recommended!”
“I’ll defiantly check out that band you recommended!”
The fact that we all still use the phrase “leave a trail of bread crumbs” shows that we really learned nothing from Hansel & Gretel.
This playlist went from Christian rock (Thrive by Casting Crowns) to Rick James’ Super Freak.
I am at @hooters in midtown Manhattan. Hooters.
I am at @hooters in midtown Manhattan. Hooters.
This radish pico de gallo is so fresh & light! I added minced garlic, black pepper, a pinch of smoked paprika, & substituted red bell & cubanelle (aka Italian) peppers for the jalapeños. You guys HAVE to try this recipe!
https://www.littlefiggy.com/radish-pico-de-gallo/">https://www.littlefiggy.com/radish-pi...
https://www.littlefiggy.com/radish-pico-de-gallo/">https://www.littlefiggy.com/radish-pi...
I need someone to sing Linger by The Cranberries with me for karaoke. I have the high & the low parts down pat, so it’s your choice…
Every—oh, I don’t know, eight months or so, maybe?—I think about how in The Breakfast Club, Judd Nelson brushed his teeth w/the same brow brush that Molly Ringwald later used to smooth out Ally Sheedy’s eyebrows
Random brilliant idea alert 
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Birthday Retweet Club: During your birthday month, all of your engaged mutuals have to RT the number of tweets that correspond with however old you’re turning. For example, every May into perpetuity, you guys would each RT 34 of my tweets
Birthday Retweet Club: During your birthday month, all of your engaged mutuals have to RT the number of tweets that correspond with however old you’re turning. For example, every May into perpetuity, you guys would each RT 34 of my tweets
It seems to never occur to people on the train that they wear their coats every. single. day. & that they need to be WASHED!
The funniest actors/comedians are usually excellent at serious roles because in order to be hilarious, you have to be profoundly aware of the sadness in everything. I think that’s also why it takes a really smart actor to play dumb in a realistic & human way.
In 1995, Montell Jordan imagined a turn-up so epic that gang-bangers would willingly abstain from drive-by’s. That’s the kind of world we should all be striving for…
For Quin’s birthday, I had everyone come up with an “-er” word—real or made-up—to describe what he’s become more of since last year. Some examples: “smarter,” “wiser,” “taller,” “handsomer,” “shiftier,” (that was my mom’shttps://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😆" title="Smiling face with open mouth and tightly-closed eyes" aria-label="Emoji: Smiling face with open mouth and tightly-closed eyes">), & my favorite…—“smiley-er”
But first…cocktails
One of the most disappointing things about this virus is that I always pictured myself dying in a fiery explosion of some sort
We all loved Murder, She Wrote in the ‘80s & ‘90s, but today, we’d be dragging her for FILTH on Twitter, telling her to mind her own business, calling her a busybody, & giving her a hashtag name like #JumpInJessica for always inserting herself into these homicide investigations
People wearing bedroom slippers outdoors really bugs me
This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but a…sneeze?
“Papa Don’t Preach” just popped up on the radio & it made me think of Danny Aiello, who played Madonna’s dad in that video. What a great actor he was. #RIP
Bars & restaurants are closed, Broadway is dark, some poor lone wolf probably had big plans YEARS in the making to attack the 2020 St. Patrick’s Day parade & now THAT’S been cancelled, too. This virus is just wrecking everything.
Mimosas make it brunch. Even if that’s all you’re having…
That old lady who swallowed the fly was WILDLY ill-informed on the respiratory abilities & predatory nature of most insects & animals
“If you knew Susan like I know Susan…oh! oh! I neeeeeed a drink!” #80smovies
Outgoing voicemail message: “Hi, I obviously AM able to pick up the phone right now because there’s literally nowhere to go & nothing to do, so I clearly just don’t want to talk to you. But if it makes you feel better, leave a message after the tone…”
