Well, it's day 12 since I applied for my #eidladvance / #EIDL grant, and I have been hearing some crazy stuff, so I decided to give a call. First of, English is not the first language of the people I spoke to. Did @SBAgov outsource customer service to China? Seriously! #EIDLHOAX

The first woman was reading from a script in broken English. Without even getting an application number, she told me to wait 2-3 weeks before calling back. I persisted, so she asked for my name, state, county, and type of business. She asked if I applied streamlined. I did.

Then she told me she cannot access any information about my application, because it is with a loan officer who has to determine my eligibility. Total bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!! No loan officer is needed for a grant!!! I asked to speak to someone more senior. I was transferred.

English was not her first language, either. She was reading from the same exact script in the same strained and broken english. These people really stick to their script. I did learn that nobody who applied streamlined has been paid and is not likely to get anything soon.

2-3 weeks is the standard answer. They cannot answer questions like why a loan officer has to determine your eligibility when the Act says it is based on self-certification. I had to ask to speak to someone more senior, and they hung up on me. Bullshit! They know nothing!

I called back using a burner line and a fake name and info. I got the same runaround from people reading from the same script in the same broken English. I was hung up on again. Same thing the third time and the fourth time. They transfer once to someone just as ignorant.

Instead of transferring a second time to someone who knows anything at all, they just hang up. Standard operating procedure. It is a circle jerk inside a cluster fuck all wrapped up in a shit show. All I know is, I had better have the full $10k advance by when my stimulus comes.

If I don't, I will be taking $400 right off the top and filing my complaint in the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of Arkansas.