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gender and identity crises
what the fuck& #39;s been going on in my brain the past few weeks - a thread for anyone who may be interested
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🧵" title="Thread" aria-label="Emoji: Thread">
what the fuck& #39;s been going on in my brain the past few weeks - a thread for anyone who may be interested
i& #39;ve been a fucking mess recently. i got hit by a fat wave of depression, so intense that it was hard to function
for context, i& #39;ve been living with depression for 8-9 years now and usually i can manage with an off day every so often
but FUCK did i feel like shit recently
for context, i& #39;ve been living with depression for 8-9 years now and usually i can manage with an off day every so often
but FUCK did i feel like shit recently
especially because i usually cope fairly well, it got me wondering what the hell was actually wrong
the entire pandemic situation definitely played into it, with less work hours and general concern for everyone around me
but there was more to it, something i& #39;d buried for-
the entire pandemic situation definitely played into it, with less work hours and general concern for everyone around me
but there was more to it, something i& #39;d buried for-
-a while. i& #39;d become deeply uncomfortable with my body to the point where even the loving touch of my bf made me want to vomit
this was something aside from weight issues, something very specifically related to my boobs - something i only realised after really thinking about it
this was something aside from weight issues, something very specifically related to my boobs - something i only realised after really thinking about it
and it was also a feeling i had felt for a few years now but i just thought it was normal to not want to be touched sometimes - but it was *specifically* my boobs i didn& #39;t want touched. why?
it took a while for me to realise it was something very specific: body dysphoria
it took a while for me to realise it was something very specific: body dysphoria
being touched reminded that i& #39;m being perceived as a physical form, but my boobs specifically reminded me that i& #39;m being perceived as a *woman* - and the more i thought about it, the more i realised how deeply uncomfortable that made me
i had never been very feminine, but for my entire life i just thought "oh it& #39;s because i grew up with brothers" and "oh it& #39;s got to do with my weight"
i hated my long hair and skirts/dresses made me uncomfortable, i rejected pretty much anything traditionally "feminine"
i hated my long hair and skirts/dresses made me uncomfortable, i rejected pretty much anything traditionally "feminine"
i never thought much about why, or when i did, i blamed it on my weight. but in recent years, the amount of stunningly beautiful, femme fat women i& #39;ve seen has made me realise that weight isn& #39;t a big factor for me anymore
so what other reason did i have to not feel like a woman?
so what other reason did i have to not feel like a woman?
well, every reason really - because maybe i& #39;m not a woman... but i& #39;m also not a man, so what am i? why do i have to define myself? WHO am i? does it even matter?
i still don& #39;t have answers to a lot of those, but i know that it does matter - and that i& #39;m not alone in all this
i still don& #39;t have answers to a lot of those, but i know that it does matter - and that i& #39;m not alone in all this
i started looking into what it meant to be non-binary and something i read really stuck with me
"i like that it doesn& #39;t tell what i AM, only what i am NOT"
which feels very accurate. i& #39;m neither here nor there. i just wanna exist and be happy and make others happy too
"i like that it doesn& #39;t tell what i AM, only what i am NOT"
which feels very accurate. i& #39;m neither here nor there. i just wanna exist and be happy and make others happy too
thankfully, i had some friends by my side that are currently going through similar things. i would& #39;ve most definitely gone insane without their reassurance that i& #39;m valid in what i& #39;m feeling
i don& #39;t know the point of this thread. i& #39;ve been very vaguely posting about what& #39;s-
i don& #39;t know the point of this thread. i& #39;ve been very vaguely posting about what& #39;s-
-been going on and wanted to make sure that i& #39;m in a better place mentally before i started talking about this
i still don& #39;t know who i am or if i& #39;ll ever know that for sure, but i& #39;m trying to figure things out and see what makes me comfortable. it& #39;s a slow process and i won& #39;t-
i still don& #39;t know who i am or if i& #39;ll ever know that for sure, but i& #39;m trying to figure things out and see what makes me comfortable. it& #39;s a slow process and i won& #39;t-
-rush it. maybe i& #39;ll never find a definite answer and maybe i don& #39;t need to. shit& #39;s confusing and with everything else going on in the world, it certainly is difficult to figure anything out
but it& #39;s okay. i& #39;m getting better. i& #39;m surrounded by wonderful people, especially-
but it& #39;s okay. i& #39;m getting better. i& #39;m surrounded by wonderful people, especially-
-my bf who has been nothing but supportive since i brought up the idea that i might be non-binary
all i know right now is that gendered terms like "king" or "queen" make me uncomfortable these days and that they/them pronouns feel very comfy right now (tho she/her is ok too)
all i know right now is that gendered terms like "king" or "queen" make me uncomfortable these days and that they/them pronouns feel very comfy right now (tho she/her is ok too)
anyone who read this entire thing - thank you so much, i love you for taking the time and consideration to do so. this wasn& #39;t easy to write and everything& #39;s still very scary, but i wanted to be open and share what& #39;s been going on
i& #39;m okay and i hope you are toohttps://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="❤️" title="Red heart" aria-label="Emoji: Red heart">
i& #39;m okay and i hope you are too
