growing up in an abusive home, I was never allowed to set boundaries. my mother would call me spoiled and entitled for trying to have boundaries.

now, when anyone says things like that to me it’s a huge trigger and causes intense breakdowns. I’m still trying to heal from that.

you can say “your boundary hurts me” or “that boundary is actually harmful to me and here’s why” instead of telling someone their boundaries are wrong. I am trying to learn that every day and learn how to set boundaries helpful to me and others. and that’s the hardest work.

for the most part, I’ve had many conversations with my therapist about how to set boundaries that ultimately help me grow without hurting other people, but she’s continued to remind me that you simply hurt people on your path to growth. we all do.

I don’t know, it’s just... a huge trigger and huge red flag for me when someone phrases it like I’m bad for having boundaries, it catapults me back to a childlike state of fear and trauma and takes me days to climb my way out of it.

I talk about this now because I’ve been struggling to set realistic boundaries recently that are both fair to me and to others, and I want to normalize the conversation around boundaries—and how they can be right for you and still hurt other people, or vice versa.

creating boundaries and asking for what you need is not wrong. everyone deserves to ask for what they need. it will not always work for other. that’s when one person can pipe up and say “hey that actually harms me” but using the words “your boundary is wrong” is... not okay.