Thread by @dream_salad, Buckle up chuckleheads. I’m live tweeting assassin 33 AD. A christian film [...]

Buckle up chuckleheads. I’m live tweeting assassin 33 AD. A christian film about a group of terrorists that go back in time to kill Jesus to stop Christianity

Heidi Montag! Ope she died right away after sensing gods presence.

There is a nerdy scientist and the hot girl asked him out! Oooh she asked for a dinner prayer so no kissing on this date I guess.

The scientist is Jewish, what will this mean for the plot of this born again film?

The acting in Christian films is comparable to the acting in 90s porn films.

“Another algorithm!? You’re killing us here!” (They are inventing a time machine?)

They blew up an office chair.

Oh boy the funder of this time travel project is vaguely middle eastern, let me guess he is the terrorist.

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Oooh they have a new lab after they blew up the chair- the new office looks like those laser school photos.

Okay so Heidi montag’s husband is mad at god cuz she died. He’s ex military and now works security for the man of middle eastern descent. HE JUST TOLD HIS BOSS HE IS MAD AT GOD totally normal convo with your boss.

Cool cut to a bunch of guys murdering Christians in an undefined middle eastern country cool cool cool

Oooh the Christian scientist is kissing the Jewish scientist in the lab I thought she loved Jesus???

Of the many bad Christian films @dmbylund and I have watched over the last year this summer, this is the most movie-like.

OOPS THE SCIENTIST INVENTED TIME TRAVEL! Oh no and his terrorist bosses figured it out. They are mad?

I mean, we haven’t gotten to the part about where they plan to kill Jesus but let me tell you I can think about a bunch of other folks you could kill that would better stop Christianity.

Whew the Jewish scientist just said “why would you go back in time to kill Hitler, maybe the next guy would be worse?” hot take.

Ope now they are tasing him.

I really feel like going back in time to kill hitler is a pretty good call, overall.

Oh my god they are proving the time travel machine works by killing the scientist’s parents! And then are going to force him to go back in time to save them? This is dark as fuck!

. Lol after threatening to kill this guys parents the boss also sent one of his guys home cuz he was going through a rough time.

Oh damn. They shot that guys parents right in their heads, damn. Meanwhile the ex military guy is out in the hallway like “god, what’s up. Send me a sign, and if you don’t everything bad that happens is your fault.”

Ok so they gave him 3 days to figure out the time machine so he can save his parents and also. Make them a time machine.

Oh imagine that they are going to kill the black guy by making him test the time machine

Oh wow he lived!

“You’re still mad at god right?” Says this guys boss “cool I’m gonna send you back in time with a combat team to kill jesus.”

Ope and now we are in gethsemane.

Wowow so the plan is to kill the disciples and Jesus to stop the resurrection myth but preserve Jesus as a prophet?

Oh damn they just got right to it- they mowed down all the disciples.

Jesus speaks english.

Dude just murdered Jesus. I am .. amazed by this movie.

To his credit one of the terrorist guys was like “he spoke English? In 33 AD? That’s insanity.”

I agree.

WHAT. They warped the dead body of Jesus back to our time?

Ok so now all the scientists went back in time to save Jesus from the assassins?

Did anyone watch the animated time travel bible cartoons? I did. This is way more dark.

This character is explaining “time continuum theory” in a way that makes exactly zero sense

Time travel movies are so problematic in general.

There is so much bad time travel science in this movie haha they fucked up their return time because of daylight savings time?? A scientist just communicated with her future self through sign language - this is so unnecessarily complicated.

Oh shit! The future just manifested post Jesus, “without Christian scum” and it looks like the real world in the matrix movies. “This is the world without forgiveness.”

Oof. The girl just got shot in Galilee or something (what the hell time are we in??) and she is like “YOU CANT LET THEM KILL JESUS! SAVE JESUS! Do it for me!”

Her boyfriend just stripped to his underwear?? To staunch her wounds with his jeans.

I don’t understand what is happening and I am paying attention

Okay the only good character who is a person of color just am warped in front of jesus and said “No speak-oh Greek-oh.” So jesus starts speaking english. OH OF COURSE HE CAN SPEAK ENGLISH BECAUSE HE IS THE SON OF GOD DUH.

Omg the black guys says he knows Jesus’s story because he watched the “movie on bootleg.” And @dmbylund said “that is the most racist shit I have ever seen- the idea that a black American would only know about Jesus because they say a MOVIE?”

I mean I know when I am bootlegging movies the Passion of the Christ is always at the top of the list.

Okay potty break there is still 45 minute left of this totally shit show.

Ok so the black man said “don’t get bummed out Jesus. That book you wrote, the Bible? It’s a best seller.”

Jesus is wearing a lot of mascara.

The black character is trying to o talk jesus into skipping out of his torture. Jesus is encouraged and then literally quotes the terminator “I’ll be back.”

@dmbylund “okay if I went back in time and Jesus could speak flawless American English I’d be convinced. God is real, what’s up jesus, how can I help out.”

Okay the scientist in his underwear is RIPPED. Ryan Reynolds in amityville horror buff.

The walkie talkies work flawlessly in gethsemane.

Aw a disciple gave the scientist a robe. I think the disciple just became a believer in a new god.

Okay so now the attack team and the scientists are trapped in 33 AD ina recon mission. This is where a lot of their (apparently large budget) went. LOL I see no goats but there are a lot of goat noises.

Also one of the military guys just stole an apple and to his credit the vendor immediately called the Roman authorities over. Don’t let him get away with that,

Ope the military guys just shot a Roman legion.

Okay now it’s the passion of the Christ cool cool cool. But literally who would be paying attention to the guy with the cross when two guys just shot a Roman guy and a gun disappeared via lasers in the same town square???

Okay so they guy that helps Jesus with the cross, and the person he supposedly healed from the cross are both time travelers. OH MY GOD AND THE OTHER GUYS ON THE CROSSES ARE ALSO TIME TRAVELERS. They are getting crucified????

So now the time traveling scientist hates jesus because actually he didn’t heal his girlfriend.

Lol ok so now the bad guy boss just warped back in time into Jesus’ tomb. With a machine gun. To prevent the resurrection.

The reasurctuin is manifesting via earthquake.

“He’s alive- go check it out!” Says the girlfiend through her tears.

OMG THE BAD GUY TIME TRAVELER TOOK JESUS’ BODY! And that is why the tomb is empty!

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This is some bill and ted shit. Mary Magdalene just showed up and the two good guy time travelers were like “not here... he has risen..”

Ope the girlfriend died but Jesus materilaized briefly to say “it’s ok”

I am not sure what the scientists plan is but he also said “it’s time for my own resurrection.”

The black guy got shot and it maybe dying and he asked the skeptical scientist, “Do you think he’s legit? Jesus?” The scientist says “well he believes it. Maybe you should too.”

The scientist says he is mad at god for all of this, and how can he be mad at something that doesn’t exist? Ergo god exists.

Okay so this guy a little cool the guys is just running around murdering a bunch of guys and shouting “my time in this existence is expiring!”

Oh he can’t kill Heidi Montag’s ex military husband because Jesus said “forgive that guy!” Aw. He’s saved!

Ex military guy is saying “i want to die. Please kill me.” This seriously takes such dark turns it’s kind of stunning.

“I can’t kill you because flawless American English jesus told me not to!”

Wow the scientist’s dad has a knife AND A GUN! And holy moly his boss just shot him in the lower back! Oh man and KILLED HIS PARENTS AGAIN.

The shit scientist is hearing voices- a woman’s voice says “be a hero” to the bad guy boss? And it has no effect??? OH THE MESSAGE WAS FOR THE EX MILITARY GUY! He shot a bunch of guys but not the boss???

The scientist just took the decorative knife off a desk and murdered his evil boss who does NOT qualify for forgiveness apparently.

Oh good the mall cops showed up. Fuck and the murdered a bunch of guys!! Aren’t they paid by this company wtf!?

“USE YOUR BIBLE APP TO READ TO ME WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THEY CAPTURED JESUS” and she opens iDisciple on her phone to read to the dying scientist

And then he died but his alternate time body showed up. Some “infinite ricks” shit.

Omg and now the scientist is gonna back in time to save Heidi Montag from dying. What the fuck.

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Wow the end. Wow. That was some crazy shit.

The main characters name was Ram Goldstein.

Omg there was an end credits scene!

Ram and his girlfriends warped to the future and their bodies are scanned by soldiers who then say “they’re clean! What does the antichrist want with them?”

Assassin 33 AD .... 2?

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