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I got a message from a former colleague today.
She's wants to talk to me "just in terms of being an ambitious and assertive woman in tech, which is obviously not always that easy and how you have dealt and are dealing with tricky situations/expectations/stereotypes."
She's wants to talk to me "just in terms of being an ambitious and assertive woman in tech, which is obviously not always that easy and how you have dealt and are dealing with tricky situations/expectations/stereotypes."
I was thinking about this just now. Do I have advice to give? What would I say? Ambitious and assertive. Wow. Is that true? How did I get here? How can I help others get here?
I'm 50 years old. I've been a software engineer for around 20 years (I keep losing count).
I don't always believe in myself.
I have a lot of insecurities.
I worry a lot.
I often think I'm stupid.
And yet still...
I don't always believe in myself.
I have a lot of insecurities.
I worry a lot.
I often think I'm stupid.
And yet still...
Somehow I've arrived at this place where my career could be described as "a success".
How the hell did I manage that?
How the hell did I manage that?
I could say, "Always act like you know what you're doing, even when you feel like you don't."
And it's true this is something I do, and it can be effective. It can bring my confidence back when it wanes, and be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But sometimes it's a bad idea.
And it's true this is something I do, and it can be effective. It can bring my confidence back when it wanes, and be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But sometimes it's a bad idea.
Sometimes the last thing you should do is fake confidence.
Sometimes you should acknowledge uncertainty, because then you can ask important questions.
Sometimes you should admit confusion, because then others can ask for help.
Sometimes you should acknowledge uncertainty, because then you can ask important questions.
Sometimes you should admit confusion, because then others can ask for help.
But how do you know which one to do and when?
Is it a dark art that can't be taught? Can it only be learnt from experience?
Is it something I even do correctly? Don't I often get it wrong? Do I have anything useful to share?
Is it a dark art that can't be taught? Can it only be learnt from experience?
Is it something I even do correctly? Don't I often get it wrong? Do I have anything useful to share?
I thought about this and then remembered, life isn't as easy as formulas. It's not "Always act confident", and it's not "Always admit when you're not confident." It's not even, "In some specific circumstances fake certainty, and in others acknowledge doubt."
I've definitely been bullish when I shouldn't have been, and shown fear at the wrong times.
So how do I get away with it?
I dunno. Maybe these things will help:
So how do I get away with it?
I dunno. Maybe these things will help:
1) Know that there are alternatives. You can fake it till you make it and you can be honest about your weaknesses. Both strategies are valid, and all you can do is choose one (or a shade between) at any moment.
2) After you make a choice, pay attention. How did it feel? How did people react? Did it make things better, or worse, or not much difference?
3) Don't just observe and guess at the effects of your actions.
Ask people.
How did I do? How was that? Was it useful? Am I helping you? Am I helping me?
Seek and give feedback.
Ask people.
How did I do? How was that? Was it useful? Am I helping you? Am I helping me?
Seek and give feedback.
4) Keep experimenting.
5) Sometimes, it'll feel bad. Your actions may have a negative impact on the world, or it might feel like they did. Sometimes they'll have a good impact in one sphere but bad in another. Pay attention to the ones that matter most to you.
6) Know that just because you think you're terrible and doing terrible things, doesn't mean you're right. Your refusal to believe in yourself can be your own worst enemy. Get validation. Get evidence. Don't always believe yourself.
7) Try to believe in yourself.
8) Know that life is full of contradictions, and two opposite things can be true.
9) Just because people look confident, doesn't mean they are.
10) Never believe anyone who wants you to believe they can change your life with ten easy rules and a short series of Twitter sound bites.
(sorry)
(sorry)
