America, listen. Nothing that you have created, except the Electoral College, is as inane and nonsensical as the superhero genre. With the singular exception of Watchmen, it is the most ridiculous collection of crap ever imagined. Here is how those stories should have unfolded...

A young photography enthusiast is bitten by a radioactive spider and goes through a slow, torturous fight with radiation sickness, ultimately leaving him too weak to pursue the red-headed school beauty. He eventually succumbs to leukemia. Field trip policies are reassessed.

A mad scientist creates a body suit made out of metal which is actually an immensely powerful computer, equipped with several jet packs. It pinches his skin horribly once it assembles itself on his body. 3 sec after the suit is fully energized, the scientist is a well-done steak.

A super-powerful alien baby lands in rural America and grows up with a local family, which instills him with American values. Upon discovering who he is, he also discovers racism and horrible inequality and decides that the American way sucks. He leads a bloody revolution.

A frail American man is injected with an experimental serum that enhances him to the peak of human perfection, ultimately doing irreparable damage to his psyche. Realizing that he is a literal Aryan ubermensch, he fights (and wins) the war for the Nazis.

The entire nation of Wakanda quickly and shockingly collapses as soon as the atlas of the world is first introduced to American children circa 2065.

An obnoxiously rich industrialist acts out on childhood trauma by building enormous underground infrastructure and dressing up as a bat to "fight" "crime." His identity is obvious because none of this can be hidden, but everyone let's him do whatever he wants because he is rich.

Oh... I guess, that last one is pretty plausible, then.