“And now we go LIVE to our correspondent, CivilWarHumor, who says the Rebels have fired on Fort Sumter.”
“That’s right, Karen. It’s a dramatic day, and there’s no question: The South started it. But I’m here with the guy who fired the first Union shot, Abner Doubleday ...”

“Capt. Doubleday, talk about the mindset you went out there with today.”
“Well, when we were firing the cannons in warmups, I knew I didn’t have my best stuff.”
“Ok ...”
“So I just tried to stay within myself and let the war come to me. Which it did — you can’t deny that.”

“Capt. Doubleday, how did you get to fire the first Union shot?”
“I wasn’t in the starting lineup. But our major, Robert Anderson, is from a Kentucky slave-owning family. Whereas I’m a staunch, abrasive abolitionist.”
“So you came out of the bullpen.”
“I stepped up to the plate.”

“Capt. Doubleday, I can’t help but notice you’re talking in postgame baseball cliches.”
“I don’t know what you mean.” (spits tobacco) “I’m just taking it one battle at a time.”
“Has anyone ever told you that’s a disgusting habit?”
“Nope. It’s the 1860s — it’s just catching on.”

“Look, Abner, we all know you didn’t invent baseball.”
“What’s ‘baseball?’”
“You’re wearing a Yankees hat, Abner.”
“That’s so everyone knows which side I’m on. The war just started — it’s gonna take these fools months to realize we should be wearing different-colored uniforms.”

“Capt. Doubleday, why’d you wait 2 ½ hours before firing back?”
“I was sleeping! Next thing I know, a cannonball is lodged in the wall next to my head. They fired at 4:30 AM -- who starts that early? Unless it’s, like, a traveling Little League game halfway across the state ...”

“Capt. Doubleday, how would you assess your performance today?”
“We had a good game plan, we just didn’t execute it.”
“So ... you didn’t have enough ammo or cartridge bags.”
(shrugs) “You have to talk to the manager about that. I just play my game, go out, and give 110 percent.”

“And Capt. Doubleday, did you actually FIRE the first shot, or did you just aim the cannon?”
“I’m pretty sure History will say I fired it. Look, I’m a loudmouth artillery guy, and I’m the only diehard abolitionist in this fort. It’s not like I’m into my own myth-making ..."

“Abner, I hear your wife has been talking to President Lincoln back in Washington D.C. Any comment on that?”
“Yeah, they’re having an affair.” (wipes Gatorade out of hair with a towel) “C’mon, man, she’s showing Abe my letters. So he knows what’s REALLY going on down here.”

“Abner, I understand the Union flag, which was saved by 2nd Lt. Norman Hall during the bombardment, is safe and sound.”
“Yep. We’ll take it around the North and use it as a patriotic rallying cry. Let’s put it this way: I have a feeling it’ll be back at Ft. Sumter someday.”

“Before we let you go … Capt. Doubleday, I hear you’re calling yourself the Hero of Sumter, even though the shot you fired bounced comically off a roof."
“I prefer to say it was high and outside.”
“Abner.”
“Just wait. In a few years, I’ll be known as the Hero of Gettysburg …”

PS: I’ve said how Civil War humor was a coping mechanism for many folks, and the first joke was cracked as soon as the Rebels fired on Fort Sumter. I’m not being flippant; it’s true! A few hours into the bombardment, an officer came to relieve Doubleday from his artillery post …

“Doubleday, what in the world is the matter here, what is all this uproar about?” the officer asked, feigning surprise.
“There is a trifling difference of opinion between us and our neighbors opposite,” Doubleday replied, deadpan. “And we are trying to settle it.”
#CivilWarHumor