And now, as a holiday present to myself, a brief thread about how shitty the Care Bear Stare is.

Good branding gets stuck in consumers’ heads. Rhymes are an obvious shortcut to that.

But branding also needs to be a shortcut for the consumer to understand what the offering is or does.

THE CARE BEAR STARE IS NOT A STARE.

The pitch went like this:

“I thought of a rhyme.”

“Kids love rhymes.”

“Care. Bear. Stare.”

“Wouldn’t it make more sense for it to be Share or Snare or Flair?”

“Nope. We’re going with Stare.”

“What about the other kind of Flare?”

“Stare.”

AND NO ONE FIRED THIS PERSON.

If they wanted a Care Bear Stare, they could’ve run with it could’ve run with it. Beams of happiness could’ve exploded out of the teddies’ beady eyes like a bunch of cuddly Cyclopes.

BUT NO. The Care Bears shoot *the same* heart energy - out of a *variety* of emblems symbolizing *diversity* - FROM THEIR STOMACHS.

Are we to believe - given that the definition of “stare” is “to gaze fixedly and intently” - that the Care Bears are observing us at all times through their stomachs?

Your Honor. Gentlepeople of the Jury.

I present to you Exhibit A-Through-WTF in the case of The People V. Just Way Too Many Lazy Assholes.

The prosecution rests. Good day.

P.S. - I was fighting with autocorrect the whole time to prevent it reading Care Bear State.

Though I’d welcome in Care Bears an Avatar State-esque distillation of vast multitudes of diverse experiences. Because it would mean that any thought went into the franchise.