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Turns out the thread was longer. I& #39;ll continue here. So, in my spiritual God-finding journey, I got to meet so many important key people and chain of events that made my life such a rollercoaster ride. I& #39;m still here surviving despite all my rough days. I& #39;m beyond blessed.
At this moment I& #39;m ill with severe hemorrhoid that caused me fever on my first few days suffering from it, and it has been making me unable to sit, stand and walk properly. This is my second time getting it this bad after the last one last year. Be blessed if you don& #39;t have it.
This illness, and this prolonged social distancing enabled me to self-reflect, made myself closer to God, interacting more, asking for forgiveness, giving more gratefulness and promising myself to take it easy in my quest to become a better person.
Key is, don& #39;t pressure yourself nor people around you to change overnight. That& #39;s impossible and that& #39;ll drive you crazy. I& #39;m saying this from the perspective of a very perfectionist person who gets easily bothered by iffy-miffy stuff. But I& #39;m pretty floaty too about things.
I& #39;ve also been learning how to love selflessly. This one is a hard one but I& #39;ve been tuning in to materials from mas @AdjieSanPutro through his workshops, online sessions and published book Mengheningkan Cinta. These gave me so much relief and hope.
But hey, what& #39;s life without all its sufferings? Am I still questioning God? Yes, sometimes. But as soon as I do I always get coincidental instances through which I& #39;m reminded that God is always there, God is seeing and listening and I& #39;m not and never abandoned.
I& #39;m still battling my anxiety and my depression until this very moment, as I& #39;m typing this too. I& #39;m also worsened emotionally because of my illness. But then this illness is triggered from my emotional instability too. Oh well. Sigh.
But I wanna say this one thing: I& #39;m super grateful for my family especially my mom who has given her all to make sure her children are happy. She has been there through my toughest times and celebrates my happiness and achievements for me. She is the ultimate form of pure love.
I& #39;m also super grateful for my truest friends too who have never given up on me. You guys know who you are. I don& #39;t have to tag you here. :)
Thank you for always believing in me and caring for me like you would to your own family.
Thank you for always believing in me and caring for me like you would to your own family.
I also wanna say how thankful I am to have finally gotten rid of toxic friends who I& #39;ve always taught to be my true friends, but they don& #39;t make me grow and mature as a person. Instead, they just want to create their own utopia with their unrealistic ideals, while involving me.
I& #39;m also grateful for my pet hamster that is consistently reminding me that I& #39;m never alone. She obviously can& #39;t speak but her presence is warmer than I could ever ask for. She is a cute fluffy little ball of fur and she eats a lot. So happy to feed her popcorns.
I& #39;m super grateful for my partner and I hope we both can overcome our shortcomings together. I& #39;m consistently praying for the wellbeing of us together and individually. Only prayer gives me strength at a difficult time like this, worsened by the pandemic too.
On top of it all, I& #39;m more than ever grateful to have finally found God. I& #39;m still a very despicable human creation of his for whining, complaining and drifting away in my weakness but I& #39;m thankful that God never forgets me and gives me hints everywhere I go.
Well, I could conclude that I began with not recognising God at all, to acknowledging God in every step I make in life. I stopped believing in coincidences and fortune reading. Maybe astrology and all those stuff help me sometimes to reassure myself but those aren& #39;t my main cure.
God is my cure. I& #39;ve never realised before just how mighty God is. I sometimes can& #39;t believe I was a non-believer and I doubted him a lot, especially during my low-tides. On my high-tides I forgot him. I forgot to be grateful and thankful. I& #39;ve never been this conscious before.
Why I say conscious? Because what is conscience without being conscious? I only got this once I got such impactful enlightenment from God. I only got it after years and years of searching, denying, finding and finally recognising.
It has been such a wonderful journey, mostly filled with tears. I& #39;m now no longer allergic to sadness and tears because they exist to complement happiness, again, as mas @AdjieSanPutro taught us. Only with tears I acknowledge myself fully as a human being capable of feeling.
To be able to feel, and think, are blessings. Imagine if you couldn& #39;t. You wouldn& #39;t even have slightest bit of empathy. You& #39;d be overflowing with and overpowered by ego. You& #39;d be such a destructive human being to everything and everyone in your way.
Only through God, we stay grounded. But then we should not connect with God with ego. Because that& #39;s just as destructive as somebody who denies His presence and uses ego as a mean to survive. Ego and God do not come hand in hand. It& #39;s something I got to learn too.
At testing times like this one, this pandemic that has gotten all of us truly and deeply affected, it& #39;s important for us to start a journey inwards, finding ourselves, embracing and being kinder to ourselves. And most importantly: find God. He is our only place of solace.
Again, to close this thread off, I don& #39;t just blabber all this crap because I wanna be holier-than-thou. I& #39;m saying this from my perspective as someone who still sins (and will forever sin, because I& #39;m an imperfect creation after all). But why not learn to be better together?
Remember, nothing is eternal. Everything is temporary. God can literally call us back to His palace up there anytime. Can be next month. Tomorrow. In the next hour. We all can never know. Just be kind. Remember God. Love yourself and others around you. Give more.
While we& #39;re still granted the chance to live, and now self-reflect because this world has been paused due to this little tiny virus that changed our courses of daily life, let& #39;s do it. Now is the most perfect time. 2020 maybe icky but let& #39;s not antagonise it. This is THE year.
Please take care everybody. Thanks for reading, for those who& #39;ve managed to read these two long-ass threads. I just thought of typing this much and sharing this much because I care. Maybe this could be of a use to someone later. I never know. Just wanna be a useful person.
