I wrote this about two years ago about my experience at Durham University- it's dramatic yes, and it had to be. How I was feeling then - unwelcome, not listened to, just another number, less-than - is how I feel now. Durham was never the place for me, or for people like me. /1

Someone once said to me that 'first-gen/working class students seem to survive, not thrive' at Durham. That's how I feel now. Like I've emerged battered, bruised, not really proud of myself and not feeling like myself.
/2

The first feeling I had when I arrived was that I was different - but not in a healthy way. In a way that meant I had to inherently change to fit in. No one should have to feel that. The culture in Castle was so abrasive and harsh, and I'd never experienced that before /3

So many bizarre things have happened. Some are outrageous (but I have no receipts!). Some made me cry. Some made me curl on a ball on my bed in fear. /4

Everyone has issues at uni and in life more generally. But when they institutionally coagulate around difference from a privileged norm, in terms of class or race, they damage individuals in such deep, rippling ways.

I'm left - after years of trying to fit in, not fitting in, making new friends elsewhere, disengaging myself from Durham life - feeling alien and desperately wanting to move on, into an environment that I can flourish in, that motivates and cherishes me, and that isn't here /5

I know I have potential, and I know Durham was not the place to realise it. I lost my voice and I never really found it again. /6

A student interviewed me for her diss about being 1stgen. She asked if I'd do further study here. And I just laughed, and she laughed along with me. We knew this environment was not for us, and we knew we couldn't stay here and be happy. /7

Durham blatantly cares more about its reputation, about its place in rankings and other metrics, that it does about staff and student wellbeing. It only caters for the university experiences of a certain type and leaves the rest of us floundering/8

I hope the uni can come under more scrutiny to a) recognise; b) listen; and c) refuse to tolerate, the racism, sexism, classism etc etc. that prevail. By speaking out on public platforms we can force some change /9

For my own wellbeing, I'm so glad I'm leaving. I'm sad that I won't look back on Durham fondly, but it's really for the best. /10

On the plus side, Durham has radicalised me politically, it has made me realise my limits and my weaknesses and I've learnt so much from some great lecturers. Shame it took all the pain and discomfort to get here - I don't quite know if it worth it. /11