cw for the entire thread, child rape

ok this is a heavy thing but we feel like we should put thread on main cuz it has the best chance of getting an actual response.

so, is there any way to tell if we were raped as a kid?

we're missing a lot of memories from when we were younger. very little pre-highschool. even then, the kinds of things we do remember are... distressing. and like, we mean so as standout kinds of distressing, different from the usual things we had gone through

we remember one time when our mom demanded to look at our underwear and see what size it was, so she pulled back our pants to look at them in the middle of the kitchen.

we never did get an apology, even after we ran off.

our dad wasn't too happy about this so we at least know he probably wasn't involved if something did happen

mom for years after generally would be hard to convince to leave our read if she walked in while we were changing, justifying it by saying she's seen our junk before

yeah, when we were a baby and didn't have any concept of this stuff???

but yeah, there it seems to be more of a case of her general lack of respect for our boundaries. if something did happen, it wasn't anything intentionally malicious. probably

the next thing though? ehhh

so, like, grade 6 or 7 was when we first started fantasizing about getting raped. (a kink that continues to this day) yeah. we didn't feel too comfortable about it either.

we feel even less comfortable now, with us worrying it's the result of us coping with some repressed memory

idk. we're kinda reassured by writing this all out and seeing there's nothing concrete, but like, those weird memories just won't leave us be and we can't stop worrying about them

anyways, thanks for reading to our trauma ramblings, we guess??