Folks, there is a lot of misinformation during this pandemic and I am here to set the record straight on one of the more egregious lies: the toilet paper shortage.

FACT: There is toilet paper available at your local store. It’s being stocked almost daily. I know this. I’ve been to the store several times. I’ve talked to friends who have gone to the store. It’s there.

The problem, though, is a lot more serious.

The toilet paper that is available to us is Charmin Ultra Soft. I can understand the confusion, as that is basically like wiping your ass with your bare hands.

Even the generic store brands are gone. There are whole pallets of Ultra Soft left behind in all this chaos. It’s a shame.

Why does Charmin Ultra Soft exist? Who at the toilet paper factory accidentally came up with a blend that essentially dissolves when it comes into contact with human skin and thought “The people need this”?

You can go out and buy toilet paper, though. Just be honest. Charmin Ultra Soft is worse than having no toilet paper at all.

Using Charmin Ultra Soft is like high school cheerleaders holding up the painted poster at a home football game for the football team to run through, and your fingers are the team captains.

America deserves better in times of crisis. America does not deserve Charmin Ultra Soft.

Donald Trump should utilize the Defense Production Act to get American companies to produce more Charmin Ultra Strong, which can withstand your toughest and protect your fingers in this time of increase sanitary vigilance.

America will not survive if the ruins of our society after shelter in place expires only have Charmin Ultra Soft to clean their backsides. We’ll most assuredly be doomed.