it wasnt until i realized i was trans and the implications of that did so many things i never understood abt my body or what i did with it made sense. like my hips, being wide, feel like theyll give out randomly, i have to stack my knees under them to feel like i wont collapse

i have always slouched bc i never liked my chest esp as puberty hit i had one hell of a turtle shell. its gotten far better but i still look like billie joe (no offense ily). ive always refused to believe i couldnt do pushups bc im in a girl body, same with other exercises etc.

i hated dresses and skirts as a kid and always felt awkward in them but wore them bc ppl said i look good in them. ppl would buy me feminine jewely and i couldnt make myself wear it habitually bc it didnt feel right. i always preferred tennis shoes. i despised glitter, pink, etc

this has been since i was a kid like 6 7 8. this is not new or a fad for me.

as a kid i was always upset and confused as to why girls were separated from boys bc i always wanted to play with the boys. i would make friends with boys more than girls. i just wanted to be like them.

i have carried this feeling all my life of being stuck. i wasnt aware of it until puberty, and then i was drowning in it. i despise this feeling with everything in me. i think a large part of it subconsciously was 1) the way i grew up and 2) my body.

ive never liked the way i look. i dont like wearing makeup, i never felt i could be sufficiently pretty, and when i did look "pretty" it all felt fake. ive always liked my body hair, its just a me thing but i like having it. even when i thought i was a girl i preferred body hair.

but i live in a world where women r disgusting if they dont shave, and body hair is considered unsightly and gross. to me it is comforting, a real part of me, like long hair for a woman. but im ostracized bc i look like a female but have body hair. but its me. and ill be myself.

short nails. i cant do nail polish, ive tried countless times and i just dont like it. as a kid i would try to pee like a boy, and succeeded actually. speaking of which all my childhood i was incredibly interested in boyhood and what boys did and how they lived. obsessively so.

periods were foreign, they still r and i hate them with a passion. i never conformed to the idea that i was supposed to grow up and have kids and be a good wife. i never wanted kids, i never really liked dolls, barbies, babies, anything like that.

i always try to sing with the guys, as low as i could. i dont like singing high. i like when i sound strong and bold and straightforward. ive never understood how to relate with girls when like theyre talking, its just awkward and i always feel disassociated and excluded.

ive always wanted to do the boy stuff. camping, trucks, machinery, construction, woodwork, masculine stuff. since i was a young kid. but i was never included bc "im a girl". but im not. i was always attached to male role models rather than female. i never connected with them.

ive never been right in my body and thats led to so much disassociation and floating and disconnection. i dont feel like me. i never have. this body is smth i have to wear, thats all. as a small child i would pray to be a boy. i dont want to be trans. i want to be cis. a cis guy.

also a huge thing is my name. ive NEVER liked my name, ever. never been proud of it and it never felt like it was mine. my deadname was dead to me before i even realized thats what it was.

a body thing: my chest is so heavy. im only a B but i feel like a cant breathe.

living my whole life feeling isolated and excluded and forced out of what i deemed to be almost a special club, has really fucked me up. badly. all bc my body and my brain never matched up. the joy i feel when i pass or look even slightly more masculine is truly indescribable.

i think a lot of my insecurity abt my voice is not the fact i think i cant sing. i can hold a tune alright. i think what i always hated was the way i sound. its foreign. feminine, soft, light. it doesnt fit. it never cooperates with me and i desperately want that to change.

i know that by being trans and choosing to accept that that im closing off a lot of ability for me as far as relationships, relative safety, an easy life or one where im not attacked over my identity. but its who i am and i cant deny that or pretend it doesnt exist. it does.

throughout my life since abt 9 or 10 i would create stories where the main character was a male teen, and i would spend ages delving into them, their names, what they look like, what they feel. i think now that i was reinventing myself as i would rather be through storytelling.

as a kid i had really bad anger issues. i actually broke things, threw things, put my foot through a wall. as i grew up and was whipped/punished for acting out, my anger was driven inward. that might be the reason i direct everything on myself. i was the only outlet i had left.

theres a lot of my childhood i dont remember, for all i know i couldve told my parents how much i wanted to be a boy and they punished me for it or belittled me. i just dont know. i cant remember but in my head im a fucked up mofo. and i think a lot of it is the way i was raised.

this thread is largely self reflection and self analysis and im left wondering, if i got my answers, could i make peace and move forward and heal? be myself and learn to love more? im drowning in self loathing and pain and idk where it came from. i want to heal, but idk how.