Read on Twitter
I’ll be honest, folks- I was doing pretty well with all this quarantine stuff, but as of yesterday I’m really starting to struggle. The reality of it is starting to get to me: the limitations, the fear of contagion, the barrage of distressing news. All of it.
I’m lucky in a lot of ways. I have a steady job with a school that I can do from home, with no interruption in my income (in fact, since my teaching has gone long-term, I’m being paid more). If this had hit a year ago, I’d have been screwed financially.
I have regular Zoom and phone contact with friends, family, and co-workers. I have a roommate who shares responsibilities with me. I’m secure on groceries and other necessities. I have a good immune system, which helps keep me safe, and health insurance if I get sick.
Until now, the anxiety of it wasn’t really getting to me. But I’m really becoming aware of how relentless the terrible news is, and how much I’m repressing it to cope. Seeing people in masks and standing far apart, on the rare times I can go outside, only makes the feeling worse.
We have to change our behaviors drastically for safety, and then pretend it’s normal to keep ourselves from spiraling. But it’s hard, even with all my privileges. I’m starting to feel depressed and trapped inside.
At the beginning of 2020, I planned out everything I look forward to doing in a year: all the performances, the festivals, the special church events and work commitments and premiere dates. And then I watched them get cancelled, one by one, for weeks, until hardly any were left.
The Zoom calls, the streamed content from places I would& #39;ve visited- it helps, but it’s no longer enough. I’m worried that restaurants I love will never reopen. I’m worried that healthcare workers I know will be exposed. I’m worried about people isolated in hospital, dying alone.
And since it’s Holy Week, I miss Easter as I’m used to it. We’ve posted massive amounts of content, and it helps to have that as an anchor, but I miss the ritual of this holiday. Usually I’m at church every day this week. But we haven’t had services in almost a month.
As of 2 weeks ago, we also started distance teaching for work, & I think that’s escalating my tension. It’s too new, too frustrating, & there are already so many issues. I’m not keeping up the way I want to. I feel like I’m failing at it, even though I know everyone’s new at it.
I see stuff online of parents frustrated that their kids have to adjust to new learning paradigms & do work in this crisis, and I sympathize intensely with them- but they also feel like a personal attack, even though I know they’re not. Like, what do these people expect us to do?
If we provide learning structures, we hear that it’s unreasonable to expect students to complete work during a crisis. Or we’re criticized for the things we’re struggling to provide, accused of not doing enough. But if we didn’t require it, we’d be told we& #39;re abandoning students.
I know these statements come from a shared frustration, and they’re not personal. But for me, it’s just one more stressor on top of a whole mountain. Maybe kids shouldn’t be made to learn under these conditions. Maybe we could do more. But we’re doing the best we know how to do.
I think what’s bringing all this to a head is the inescapable nature of it all. When discourse gets dicey on the internet, or the news is too grim, or my anxiety ramps up, there’s nowhere to go to escape it. We’re all stuck. There’s only so many coping mechanisms to fall back on.
I’m trying to establish routines, but it’s almost impossible. I wish I could just abandon the effort- but I have deadlines now, and responsibilities, and I have to do them at the same time as I obey all the limitations and keep aware of all the changes. I can’t just shut down.
Knowing that eventually this will end & we’ll all go back to a mostly-normal way of life (albeit with a severe economic recession & high death toll) isn’t comforting anymore. Maybe it was at the beginning- but a month in, with no end in sight, it feels like it will never come.
I guess that’s it. This thread is too long as it is. But everything I’ve had to adjust to & deal with & sublimate for the past 3-4 weeks is all coming to a head. I miss normal life, and I’m worried, and I feel like no one who has any power is doing enough to stop the devastation.
