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My story *Warning* (Maybe triggering)
My childhood was the Cinderella effect in a nutshell. I was raised by my single mother till the age of 5 when she married my step father. Being the first authoritative male figure in my life he became very influential
My childhood was the Cinderella effect in a nutshell. I was raised by my single mother till the age of 5 when she married my step father. Being the first authoritative male figure in my life he became very influential
I never knew what to expect from a father but what I received was years of mental abuse. Unfortunately unbeknownst to my step father who believed this was what parenting was at this time. Neglecting his step child and investing more time into his biological children
I was then sexually abused at the age of 10 by a man who I looked up to as a father figure who took advantage of my naivety. I learnt sex from Porn and swiftly became a sex addict to cope with my mental illness that I was blissfully unaware of
I made friends as I was still quite young and impressionable and my best friend at the time knew I was questioning me sexuality. He took advantage of me still being in the closet and my sexual addiction and would religiously demand sexual favors then leave me like a used condom
I came out as gay online. My first boyfriend came out as bi in school and was largely accepted by our peers unlike myself as he was straighter acting. We dated and I was told after a few months that I was an experiment and he had no interest in going further
My sexual addiction evolved and I was taking risks as a 15/16 year old that were harmful to my health and sometimes life threatening. Yet it was better then the abuse I received for small mistakes when I got home
I continued letting my friend and strangers use me for their sexual needs and would frequent the woods near my estate where multiple suicides had occurred contemplating my own quite often.
Upon turning 18 I moved out. My sexual addiction took a turn and I took to alcohol. The alcohol distracted me from men and I was able to enjoy my life in the company of people who appreciated me. However my best friend at the time ghosted me after meeting her boyfriend
Going from such an surreal friendship that made me forget my troubles to having no one to rely on and having to face my problems again was damaging. I started meeting men again. Letting men use me so I didn’t have to think. But it wasn’t enough, so I started gaming.
Gaming distracted me when men couldn’t. It became addictive. I started night shift work and my social life ceased. I no longer left my house unless it was necessary. I spent hours and hours and insane amounts of money on various games achieving nothing from it.
And that’s when my appendix burst. I was hospitalized and the surgery was performed 7 hours after it burst. I was in hospital for 2 weeks at first. In which close friends and family came to visit. One of which was an old friend who at the time was my best friend.
It was nice to have such a warm familiar face there in such a scary painful moment in my life. Yet we somehow ended up discussing him and his bfs breakup. The bf who told him to stop talking to me. The bf who nearly prevented us from being friends. They finally broke up
I showed my friend as much sympathy as I could that day given the circumstances but it was not enough as I didn’t hear from him again until 6 months later. He had blocked and ghosted me on all social media. So I eventually send him a voicemail one night when I’m at a low and he
Responds stating worried I was going to kill myself. He then continued to explain that he doesn’t wish to be friends anymore because I didn’t care the day he told me about his breakup with his toxic ex and then asked me to never call him again
I then spiraled into clinical depression. At this point the only social contact I had was my colleagues. After the long complicated hospital recovery I now was self conscious about the disfigured scar from my surgery and was no longer confident in my appearance.
I started to take holidays from work so I could sleep. I would sleep in work at some points. If I wasn’t sleeping I was gaming or having sex. Then I lost my job. The client pulled their contract and we were forced to move to a new position where I worked day shifts
However the shifts were still unsocial and catered to the the night life I had formed for myself. My mental health began to reflect in work and I was approached by my manager on multiple occasions about it
Eventually after realizing I was not 1/4 through the year and had already used all my holidays just to sleep. I decided to start calling in sick instead. After sleeping for nearly 48 hours I went into work one day and quit. Called my parents and asked to move home
I started a college course as I believed it would help give me that second chance as I never finished college prior due to my addictions. I’m nearly finished the course I’m studying now. However even though my parents are aware of my mental illness it will never be their priority
Understandable, I am a grown adult it is my own responsibility now. But when a grown ass adult is incapable of getting themselves out of bed or is coming to terms with their gender identity aswell as battling their mental illnesses and can’t afford to see their psychotherapist,
It leads them to believe they have reached yet another dead end. Every male friend I ever make I try to sleep with or make happy through a sexual favor as if by default my brains wired to believe this is all men want from me. It’s all they’ve ever wanted.
To all my friends past, present and future who I have or do address this way I apologize as you deserve love, you deserve respect, you deserve to be treated like a human fucking being. I’m sorry that I’ve been incapable of conveying you my gratitude for your kindness correctly
I want to be better, I want to get better, I want to live a life I’m proud of as an authentic me not oppressed by what my abusers and toxic relationships imposed on me in my past.
I apologize for how long this thread is but I’m someway it was therapeutic to write it all and just have it here. I’m Magpie, 23, I’m currently a gay male who intends to be a trans woman, I’m a rape survivor, sex and gaming addict who suffers from clinical depression, this is me.
