I was super in love with my friend once. Not even just ‘in love’. I LOVED him. And I told him. Made a huge dramatic gesture and told him. He had a girlfriend at the time, so I’m not sure what I was expecting. But I was convinced that he loved me too because why wouldn’t he?

Seeing as we were PERFECT TOGETHER. So, turns out, no. I remember his reply: ‘This made me realise what I never want to lose.’ which hurt like a fucking bitch. Knife through heart. I said, ‘That’s the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.’ Again, me bringing the drama.

I told him that we had to stop being friends because it simply HURT TOO MUCH. (Add a drizzle of More Drama) We didn’t speak for a few months. Till I thought ‘THIS IS SILLY. I miss him but just as a friend.’ (Of course, you absolute dickhead of a lying-ass brain)

So I asked if he wanted to meet up and he said YES, because he had also missed me as a friend (only he genuinely did just miss me as a friend). We set a time. Now, strangely, that afternoon I got offered to open a gig at the London Aquarium. After hours, just for the staff.

I was immediately like, ‘FISHIES!’ and said yes and said to this guy that I had to take the gig but that he could come. He said yes. I performed stand-up with a huge shark behind me and it was so exciting. When the headliner went on, me and The Guy just walked around -

- testing our new ‘friendship’. HEY, you know what’s real romantic? Walking around the London Aquarium after hours with someone you used to love so much that you can never again listen to, like, four bands. Immediately, I realised that I was still massively in love with him.

And he realised the same. That I was massively in love with him. It was so awkward. I told him that yeah, this isn’t working. ‘I just love you too much’ and I checked that he was still not considering leaving his girlfriend and NOPE, they had actually moved in together. Fun.

We decided to just get the fuck out of there and never speak again. It was awkward and horrible. We walked together out the door and into the hallway. And as the door closed behind us, we realised that this wasn’t the exit.

We were standing in a long hospital-basement-looking corridor. Dark and creepy. There were no handles on the back of the door. We started hammering on it, shouting for help. But the gig had ended and people had left, assuming we weren’t still there.

We started wandering down the long hallways. We had no phone reception as we were in the basement. We knocked on doors, tried to open them, but nothing. We walked up and down stairs. At one point, I looked through a window of a door and screamed. It was a torture chamber.

A fucking torture chamber. Later, I understood that London Aquarium, London Dungeon and London Eye are all based in the same building and the underground tunnel’y hallways connect them.

We walked around for a couple of hours, trying every door, trying to get reception. All in emotionally exhausted awkwardness, my own dramatic declarations of love echoing in my head. At the same time, he was just so gorgeous and why didn’t he kiss me?

Oh yeah, because I was just rejected AGAIN, so maybe I’ll just go back to the torture chamber where it’s less scary.

We finally found a door with a window - and through the window, A RECEPTION! We could SEE the Thames! We started knocking on the door but no one was around.

We finally had reception. I posted on all social media platforms. ‘HELP!’ and asked what we should do. People told us (after laughing) that we should call the police. I did and they first thought it was a prank. Of course they did. Then they understandably doubted -

- my story and assumed we were, what, fish-robbers who’d gotten stuck? ‘A comedy show in the Aquarium after hours? Yeah, right.’

They said they’d figure out what to do and we didn’t hear back. Eventually we flashed our phones at a security guard and he let us out (hesitantly).

We were taken to a room and interrogated till they got a hold of the organisers of the gig who confirmed everything. Then we were free. So we said an awkward goodbye.

The organiser emailed me and apologised (what, for me being an idiot?) and told me I could come and feed the turtles one day.

Anyways, all this to say that I’m glad I’m self-isolating alone and not with someone I have an awkward relationship with. Because those couple of hours were bad enough.