Thread by @smoricebrubaker, Twitter, this thread is going to be about the GROSSEST animal mess [...]

Twitter, this thread is going to be about the GROSSEST animal mess I have ever had to clean up before. Grosser than when a foster dog had explosive poo in her crate. Grosser than when the mini freezer died while holding the corpse of our departed guinea pig awaiting burial.

So LOOK AWAY if you have an overactive or even normal gag reflex.

Seriously, it's even grosser than when I observed our chickens picking out corn from dog poop like they'd just discovered buried treasure.

If THAT turned your stomach, exit thread now!

All right. So. My dog is an English mastiff. She's big. And she's old. And she's very clingy and anxious. And she has lately gotten some sort of bad nasal problem that involves a lot of bloody noses. Took her to the vet, the vet said "Let's try an antibiotic and hope it works."

That was last week. She didn't have a nosebleed for several days so we thought, hooray, it's working. Yeah, well.

Today I was home alone because my spouse was on an overnight errand out of town to pick up fancy humanely-raised heritage pork from a woman-owned, queer-owned farm.

So while he's out getting Woke Pork in a bucolic setting, I'm home with just the kids, 2 cats, 1 dog with nose problems, chickens, a guinea pig, and a house to manage.

While I'm still having my morning coffee, the dog gets a sneezing attack that brings on her worst nosebleed ever. Not just blood, but CLOTS. of TISSUE. Erupting from her nose.

This scares her, so she goes from room to room trying to, I dunno, get away from it. Sneeze. Sneeze.

Every room she steps into gets sprayed and looks like someone was murdered. (Remember: she's a mastiff.) I am trying to remain calm in the hopes that it will make her calm, or at least make her stay in one place.

That's when our two adolescent kittens came to see what was going on.

All they know is that suddenly there is blood and bits of... er... tissue, which to them reads as "meat"... coming out of the dog and sticking to all of the surfaces. Handily, it's right at their height, too!

So they... well, I can't bring myself to describe it, but just think about how this would appear to a cat, and imagine what an adolescent cat would do.

At this point I am so disgusted I can barely keep my coffee down, so I usher the dog onto the patio, give her water, and decide that I will FORCE my conscious awareness to take no notice of the cats or what they're doing. I go into the living room, where the explosions started.

It seems like the best place to start is the sofa, which looks like someone performed surgery on it. So I start removing the sofa cushion covers...

...and a fountain of frickin' FEATHERS happens.

Apparently a whole lot of feathers had worked their way out of the inner cushion and were just waiting between the inner cushion and the cushion cover... waiting, waiting, for someone to unzip the cushion cover and let them FLY FREE ON THE BREEZE!

The cats LOSE THEIR EVER-LOVING MINDS.

This is the best day of their lives. This is Cat Christmas and Cat Fourth of July all rolled into one. As far as they know, the dog they live with just sprayed all of the walls with meat from her very own face, and their hooman threw a bunch of feathers into the air for them.

They start trying to catch every feather - and there are many, all floating in the air! - and in the process smear the dog's bloody nasal effluvia over every surface that wasn't already covered with it.

It took me FOUR. AND. A. HALF. HOURS. to clean it all up. More, if you count the fact that laundry is still going.

Anyway, what I had planned on doing today was making our Easter feast for tomorrow, but obviously that didn't happen. And now I'm exhausted and my back is sore from all the scrubbing.

So we're going to have tuna fish and saltines. And no, cats, YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY.

The end.

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